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Remnants of a Wreckage

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It’s not really something I know how to put down in words. It’s not a broken heart truly, it’s a solid kick in the gut. That’s what it feels like – something that takes the air right out of you, not just because of the pain, but for that moment you lose the will to breathe. You see it coming but nothing can honestly prepare you for that blow.

It’s not the loss of a loved one, or a friend; it’s losing your person. All your friends can be there for you and make you feel like you are on top of the world, but on a legally bad day, there is only one person you go to. That person can’t fix anything but they make you feel safe, they feel what you feel. That’s all we really want in life; to be understood. That person takes the brunt of your existence, all the ups and downs and idiocy in between. And when that person is gone, you don’t really know what to do anymore. All the small meaningless things that you used to remember to share get lost in the crossfire of neurons, buried in a pile of ‘things only you’d understand, but you aren’t here anymore’. All the big things, you can handle that. You get up, you go about life, you keep dreaming and you keep moving forward. But life isn’t about the big things. It’s always been about the small little things – a song on the radio, a hadith someone shared, a smile from a baby, a random conversation with a stranger, a long day at the office, a sale in your favorite store. Maybe it had no significance to them and maybe I wasn’t their go to person, but here is where my selfishness comes out. They were mine and to me, that’s all that matters.

Though I love them to pieces, it’s not not about redirecting that love. It’s a literal hole in your life, a void you don’t know how to fill, a silence that is unwanted. I’m fine. All I am is a little lost, aren’t we all at some time or the other? But I’ll find my way. I just don’t know what to do with that loss. I’ll figure it out. I know I will. I have to be okay, for them to be okay. And I will be because I care so damn much. That will never change.

So here’s a piece of advice: Make the most of your friendship, especially the ones who fill up the spaces in your heart. Make time, keep in touch. Nothing lasts forever, and you never really know what you’ve lost till it’s gone.

La tristesse durera toujours

Without You

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You can test the waters of the ocean,
learn to swim against the currents,
but that will never prepare you
for a tsunami,
despite the weather warnings.

It dragged everything I knew
in one swift movement,
left me drowning
for I no longer had an anchor
to keep me safe on the shore.

All the things I was with you,
I now have to struggle to be
without you,
I don’t know if I’ll ever
be ready for that.

August 2015

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August isn’t my most favorite month but it has definitely been great this time around. I sneakily took 2 holidays this month, making use of the last summer month to go trapezing around.

DSC02553 (1280x904)My first was to North Wales. Transport absolutely sucks, but I’d gladly leave the South and move up. It is stunning. Families go crabbing on the weekend. CRABBING! I want to go crabbing and ice cream eating along piers every weekend. I am sad that I didn’t get to see any puffins even after all my walking, but I’ve never had luck with wildlife. So I got myself a puffin pin to make up for it πŸ˜€
Conwy is lovely, it has a lovely fish shop hidden on the bay, but you’ll see all the locals with boxes, can’t really miss it. DSC02587 (1280x851)Slightly oily, but very crispy. Parisellas ice cream is great. And the thing I loved most about Conwy was that they had all these quaint shops where you could get music boxes and toys from eons ago that you could never find today. Almost like stepping back in time.

I headed off to Puffin Island in Penmon passing the priory and well, talking to strangers on the way. Sadly walked all the way there, had triple chocolate cake, which was delish.. then walked all the way back.DSC02649 (905x1280) Beaumaris does by far the most beautiful castle, at least I think so. I’m a little OCD and I like my castles to be rounded with perfect moats and drawbridges. Red boat ice cream is mindblowing and there is a line, always! Don’t think you can come back when it’s less crowded; just queue up. The town also has a Popeye burger joint with a burger to meet every character and a candy store called A Penny Farthing, which weirdly reminded me of My Fair Lady. And then I headed off to the base of Snowdon via Cernarfon – which also has a massive squarish castle, but they Hole in the Wall St. Cracked me up! I love holes in the wall. (No PUN what-so-ever)DSC02747 (1280x851)
Next day up Snowdon, dragging my unfit body huffing and puffing, but the views! DAMN! Worth it. 3 hours up, 2 hours down and then traveling back to Conwy.

DSC02794 (1280x851)The following morning I was starting to feel how unfit I was, had to practically lift myself off the bed, and off I went to Holyhead, this time walking at a much slower pace, only because my body was aching in so many places. Walked through fields to get to South Stack. It has quite a majestic lighthouse – again, no luck with the puffins. Saw lots and lots of horses. ❀
Last and final day to Llandadnuo. Very tourist town. Found the mad hatter, but not Alice. Went up to Great Orme on DSC02878 (1280x905)the tramline and to the Copper mines, which was quite interesting – location wise. It was a lovely sunshiney day, so I had a double scoop of ice cream – toffee cheesecake and ferrero rocher. I’m such a child. Then hoped on my train back to the South.

Work – been going to deliveries on my own. It’s been a bit traumatic but let’s not think about those. Doing cranial ultrasounds on my own. Managing to get cannulas in. We have this ANNP student who is absolutely lovely, we hit it off and bless her – she’s been really great. She cracks me up, and I’ve come up with a good line to tell myself and others when shit hits the roof, which it does without fail at some time or the other in our lives – SORT YOURSELF OUT! I also went into work twice when I wasn’t supposed to – pulling Annas, I call it. But the second time, got together with the other Lankan Dr and went shopping in Cardiff. Got a cute dress from the childrens section. Sometimes it is joyful that you can shop in both sections. ^.^

Z got married. Her dress looked lovely. I’m still waiting on photos which will hopefully come soon, but I bet she looked amazing. I’ve been a lil lost this month, but Alhamdulillah for great friends and adopted children who just speak their hearts out. Monu, you are one of them. Random chats, catching up, summarizing the big shit – I got you girl. Anas, you are the other – thanks for just getting out and saying it – you know I got you. You are such a nerd face, you’ll be a great engineer when you decide you are ready to graduate. Oh I do have to shout out to NQB and Arafath because they too got married officially, and my baby girl got engaged even though I specifically told her not to without me. It’s all forgiven. Van, thank you for keeping in touch though I’m terrible at doing that. Duffy, pink smarties bro! πŸ˜‰ Thank you for returning the friendship and being there to pick me up – fist bump for life ❀ I do have to sneak in M here, just because we had a heart-to-heart after a long LONG time. AND DEEPS IS BACK!!! ❀ ❀ ❀

DSC02925The Drs rotate next month, so we all went out for a meal and drinks and most of us to a Jazz club after, with live music. It was good fun. Just nice to get out of the hospital and dress up, eat, laugh, walk around Cardiff till late and get home at 0130 am after a tiring night shift the day before. That lemon pavlova :O I want another please. #cosyatcosy

Made a trip to Exeter to see Deeps with dark chocolate. Weather wasn’t great, but the company. Gave my heart so much peace. Dragged her along to Torquay, had fancy Thai food, went up on the Torquay Eye – had the starting of a panic attack, so closed my eyes and cringing with her laughing endlessly at my silliness. But that resolved after a Devon clotted cream tea, well with coffee. DSC02990 (1280x905)We bought this board game which we thought we’d play at night, but ended up talking till we fell asleep, so played the trivia/trickery game over coffee in the morning before wandering around Exeter in search of the quay. Found a bookstore with old and interesting treasures and got a book for 3 birthdays. The quay had converted cellars – so of course we went to the coffee cellar πŸ˜‰ and had smoothies. Because that’s how we roll. I also had this polenta lemon cake with pistache. Surprisingly tasty! I was so sad to leave her. It’s good to have her close though.

Music:
Life After You – Daughtry
Marvin Gaye – Charlie Puth ft Meghan Trainor
Flashlight – Jessie J
Where Are U now? – Skrillex & Diplo ft Justin Bieber
Don’t Be Too Hard On Yourself – Jess Glynne
Are You With Me? – Lost Frequencies

July 2015

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And another month has come to pass. It’s been a heart-wrenching trip through July but it does have it’s ups, which I’m always grateful for and the whole point behind these posts.

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I’ve got not only got my very awesome Malaysian educational supervisor supporting my learning, but the whole department is pro me going forward and starting off on my own. It’s a great boost of confidence to hear that from consultants. Attended 2 pediatric radiology meetings as well and it’s starting to grow on me and get used to everything.

DSC02408 (1280x851)Made a trip to Cardiff with Sharmi for Tafwyl, wasn’t the best – but had a good wonder and had some lovely chinese noodles with halal beef. Yes. That is something to be happy about. Lol. Got to wander around Cardiff Castle as well and tried to make some head-way with picking up some Welsh – massive fail. We also managed to try Welsh beans on toast – which is lots better than the English version, I must admit. Picked up a banoffee frappe from Coffee #1. Much as it was really good, can’t beat Caribou.

Had a blast of a time for Eid. Ran for Eid prayers almost getting lost and had a funny incidence with a grandma who hugged me and wished me Eid Mubarak before her grown children, which was almost epic. Almost big fat family reunion in Peterborough meeting lots of new faces and running about train stations in heels, but the food.. OH.MY.GAWD. so good! DSC02442 (1280x851)And Nene trying hard to convince all of us to buy property there. Spent Sunday stuffing my face with South Indian food and then over at Harpenden with my exciting 4 minions. They are the best. Got invited to the treehouse – such privilege I tell you. Rice told me about the planets. I love that child. He is the absolute bomb. Caught a blazing sunset as well, so refreshing. Monday meet-up with Muna for Malaysian food – we ordered so much and it was all so good, definitely had a food coma for the next few days. Good thing we took a walk through Hyde Park to peak at the Diana Memorial, which I’m sure we passed and didn’t even notice.

Spent 3 days in the RSM library doing research for my interesting case report presentation for the WPS autumn session and made fantastic progress – ie I actually found something on it. It’s definitely getting more interesting and feeding my curiosity. And I finally check out a book as well on radiological anatomy. I will go through it. Promise.

DSC02515 (1280x850)Headed down to Cearphilly for the Big Cheese Festival – missed most of it because of the rain, but got some great photos of their medieval castle. Lots of ducks and swans and duck/swan poop πŸ˜‰

Decided on the watch I’m treating myself with. It’s a beauty. Can’t wait to have it. It’s a secret – it’s not the conventional one. I never do go for those. But I’m so in love with this, such a beauty.

I did some writing. Got a foot out of my writers block. Felt lots better after.

DSC02458 (1280x903)Went up to Merthyr for my NLS and I passed. *phew and decided that if I were to pick up an accent I’d like a Merthyr accent for now. PCH did have some decent views of the Brecon. Lucky I took my camera with me. Nasty train journey though, that was mostly my fault. I learn.

I got a cannula in on the first try – oh ya baby!

Went shopping with the other lankan doc from work to Cardiff and got cherries on the way back – so I made cake with it. Tried out the Donauwelle (Danube Wave) sheet cake which is from Germany/Austria. So so good *yum. Vanilla cake topped with chocolate cake topped with cherries topped with creamed custard topped with chocolate – heaven I tell you!image

Music:
Poison – Rita Ora
Shine – Years & Years
Shut Up and Dance – WALK THE MOON
Like I’m Gonna Lose You – Meghan Trainor & John Legend

 

Lifeless

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The room is set ablaze
by the rays of sunshine streaming through
on this lazy afternoon,

yet I’m under the quilt
the blood coursing through my veins
cold almost lifeless

I miss your presence
your warmth and your strong heartbeat
your legs tangled up in mine,

there really is no point
in waking up and going about my day
if you aren’t a part ofΒ it.

Beautiful Stranger

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I could write you
seven billion words of love
and hold you tight
when your demons came for you.

But they were all you knew.

In that moment,
I became the beautiful stranger in the distance.

I wish I had the strength
to break my heart again
while I watched you give into them
but I’m here waiting on this side.

Still holding onto you.

Hot Chocolate

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No I’m not talking about the drink, I’m talking about people. The people in your lives that give you that feeling you get when you sip on hot chocolate – the smooth silkiness going down and suddenly the cold feeling your body has is replaced by this majestic feeling of warmth that you’ve been craving.

They are the ones that hold you up with a steady hand because they already know you are feeling weak and are ready to let go at any moment, but they know you have it in you to hold on a little longer with a bit of support. They aren’t the ones you talk to everyday, but they magically appear when you need them with bits of encouragement to keep going.

They can read your mind, they know exactly what your crossroads are without you having to tell them. It’s the sharing of burdens you didn’t want to acknowledge you had. It’s the beautiful surprise of honest understanding. It’s the comfort of pyjamas, long conversations on the same page and reinforcement you didn’t want to believe in.

The king of beverages. The diamond of friends.

~Misskayes & Duffy: hot chocolatiers always ❀