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Lessons

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I hate her for walking away
leaving you with a broken heart.
I hate you for walking away
without giving me a chance to heal it.

Love you haven’t learnt-
the one who broke and scarred your heart,
will never be the same one that brings it back to life.

I hate her for the role
she played in your festering wounds.
I hate you for being stuck
in those memories and tormenting yourself.

Love you haven’t learnt-
that you shouldn’t have brought her along when you came for me,
I didn’t deserve half of you.

I hate her for being
that great love of your life.
But I will always love you
for being mine.

Love you haven’t learnt-
that I could see everything and despite your demons,
I had enough love to illuminate the darkest corners of your soul.

I learnt though,
that your heart never had the strength to hold it all.

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Fade Into Darkness

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When he asked I was scared, I knew I didn’t want anyone less in my life who wouldn’t go on to become my husband. But I had to try, I wouldn’t get a second chance, yet I didn’t want to either. I was so afraid. So I called someone for advice and he said that I had to try, that I’d never know until I did. I put my fear away and said yes. He was mine. I could officially call him mine. I was weary though, good things don’t happen to me so easily. The ecstasy of it overrode the negativity in my mind. I was so so happy, I had hope. He let me in to parts of his life, but he kept me out of the others. I didn’t want that, I wanted everything – the good, bad and the downright ugly. I hoped he’d come around, I had time I said to myself and time is what it’ll take. I didn’t push. I just sat there in my happy bubble. And happy was what I was. Happy arguing, happy smiling, happy laughing, happy living life. He made me feel safe. He pushed me to look beyond the pettiness, to grow to be the better person. I love him for the little things, because he wasn’t anything spectacularly large. He was an abundance of small victories rolled up together – every one of which he deserved, which he worked hard for. I believe in him and his greatness, his strive, his dreams. I could not have been blessed in my life with someone better than him. Then I lost him. I lost him to himself. I lost him to his need to protect me from himself than show me himself. I lost him before he even knew he was going. And I think that was the worst, knowing that someone is going before even they know – waiting quietly for them to realize they are already out the door. It broke my heart, yet I will always love him beyond myself, because he is worthy of it. He may not realize it, but I said I’d take this pain, this hurt, this heartache so that he wouldn’t have to, and I will – he is worth it. I just wasn’t lucky enough to have him for the time I had hoped. Luck was never on my side anyways. I miss him everyday; but in the days I had, I loved him like I was going to lose him. We could have been better than what we were, we were just two different people; cautious of different pain. He will always be the better part of me, I hope somewhere I’ll be the better part of him.

You’ll always be my favorite “what if”, but I’m sticking with “what is”. -Lang Leav

We lose people in our lives everyday. The age-old saying that time heals everything, is just words of comfort. Time doesn’t heal anything, the only thing that time does is blur the memories you are fighting to hold on to. Life goes on, you get up and force yourself to keep moving – that time and life wait for no one; soon enough it becomes habit. We are nothing but creatures of habit. But our minds, they don’t stay quiet, our minds are loud. They scream and wail, but our lips are quiet because we can’t change our loss, we can only bear them. We can only hope to silence our minds by distraction, that usually works on good days. No one really recovers from loss.

The only certainty in this life is death.

heart

Yes death, not just physical death – but death of life, death of friendship, death of love, death of happiness, death of joy, death of dreams, death of spirituality, death of humanity. How does one look past that? How does one recover?

September 2015

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I didn’t like this month much, but I still had some decent moments. The month started down in the dumps, so I guess you can’t really go anywhere but up from the ground.

Maybe she needed someone to show her how to live and
he needed someone to show him how to love. ~N.R. Hart

I have an intense love for the sea, it’s my safe place – always puts my life in perspective. I love coastal walks, one of the absolute amazing things in this world. Mountain walks don’t even come close. And I’ve got a bestie who understands exactly what that means. Then I found this: “It made her feel small, but free as well.” ~George R.R. Martin

date Dhul Hijjah came and went. I like to think I made the most of it, InshaAllah. Slaughtered my first sheep, well I didn’t do it with my bare hands, but I dealt with it. My flatmate and I made food and celebrated a quiet Eid this time around. eid

My favorite new-age comic – Heart and Brain released it’s first book which I’ve booked as a birthday present. If you don’t know about it, you should – it’s absolutely brilliant.

Actually finished reading a novel after years! Back to medical books now…

Rekindled my friendship with the lovely Mubs who I’ve kinda missed in this odd little place in my life and it was kinda nice Skyping and catching up her highness.

Supporting New Zealand (and Wales) for the Rugby World Cup – it will be a lovely final for sure, with UK over-run with all nationalities.

My brother celebrated his 25th birthday in INDIA! Good on him for actually traveling and doing something different for a change. So proud 😀

To her, if there was nothing to fix, there was nothing to love.
~Christopher Pointdexter

I didn’t travel anywhere this month, so I don’t have any travel photos, but I ended this month in the radiology department which is what I love and I finally figured out why. It’s like spot the difference, put the puzzle together, being an undercover Sherlock Holmes.

All New Things

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Ah! I love new things,
the novelty of it turns me on.
I could spend hours
trying to figure out how it works.

Be it a friend that has finally
fit into the jigsaw of my life,
ticking a box left blank too long.

A new hobby with a different
sort of zing to it that
starts to fill up your free time.

The air of a new destination
filled with mystery
and hidden places to discover.

Or is it just a new moment
breaking free from
the cocoon older days?

An old love
whose path has now
showed a twist.

A verse you didn’t quite
understand now revealing
it’s true nature.

And by things,
I didn’t really mean that at all.
I’m not as superficial
as a magpie.