I hope the memoirs in your box have gotten rusty,
while the memories in my mind remain vibrant;
filled with hello goodbyes, joy and eternal highs.
As the time has now come to an end,
we have gone from strangers to friends and back, a complete circle of life;
once doused in color, all burnt out.
The air has gotten thicker and the oxygen concentration
has dropped since you walked away;
making it harder to breathe, but it won’t conquer me.
It’s not that I ever wanted to live without you,
I just had no say in it;
please remain safe junkie, may the world always be your oyster.
The distance grows yet the world gets smaller,
and while the jagged dagger causes chaos in my heart;
I wish you peace in yours and the infinite silence of demons.
May you forever live buried in the depths of my being,
as the light in your eyes, your quirky smile and fierce heart;
resonates through me.
To us, to yesterday, to never after.
Uneasy feelings, knots that won’t undo.
A moment of fleeting angst,
breathing fire without a clue.
I need open fields filled with flowers.
Sun shine raining down,
peace please, exclude the lover!
Differences maybe plenty.
Music, talents, size and shape,
yet we love being twenty.
All tangled up in each other,
however, our mind to our own.
Day dreams fixated without thunder.
A mystical genius with her word,
wisdom beyond her age.
It’s her pen mightier than that sword.
yet filled with crafty, traveling bones.
Her life can never be described as monochromic.
Tea without semi-skimmed milk or sugar,
at home with mom, please.
But she’s strong, and her tongue is a butcher.
I’m a mangled soul,
a verse for every moment in time.
Several oddly broken pieces of a whole.
Yet in open fields, in perfect weather,
it’s champagne bubbles and chocolate truffles,
it’s MP3 players and instagrammers,
The Prophet SAWS said:
“The gates of Paradise are opened on Mondays and Thursdays, and every slave who does not associate anything with Allah SWT is forgiven, except for the man who has a grudge against his brother.
It is said: wait for these two until they reconcile, wait for these two until they reconcile, wait for these two until they reconcile.”
[Muslim & Abu Dawood]
From the time we take our first breath to the time we take our last, we spend much of our life forming attachments. Somewhere in between it comes a huge tangled web of good, bad and ugly. Then we spend the rest of our lives trying to make sense of it all, wondering why, reminiscing and sighing.
Truthfully though, did we really need to submit ourselves to a life of attachment? People leave and get replaced by new strings. We change, we grow and out grow. We begin to see things we didn’t notice before. And before we know it a whole new chapter is over once again. It’s time to start afresh.
We spend so much of our life on nuturing these bonds. What we don’t factor in is — everyone dies. We don’t know when or where or how, all we know is that it’s an inevitable fact of life. Our parents, our friends, our siblings, our first love, our last love, our children, our near, our dear, us.
So why do we not spend as much time and sacrifice on our attachment with God as we do with people and things that will ultimately prove to be useless when the time to answer questions arise? Have we really lost the ability to see the bigger picture?
At the end of the day we are a nation of brothers and sisters. We are one blood, one heart, one goal. We are born to have emotions and be there for each other. To make sacrifices, have dreams and live our lives. We can’t do it alone, can we?
I’m soon approaching that stage in my life where I will have to say bye to everything and everyone and start again. I’ve created so many attachments in my almost quarter-century that I don’t know where to start letting go. I don’t know if I can make it without them. I don’t know if life will mean anything if they are not there to share it with.
I will miss them, their presence and guidance. The gifts that came late but made it safely anyhow. The cards filled with laughter and good cheer. The leftover ticket stubs of concerts, late-night movies and restaurant openings. The memories embedded in my mind that will last until they too slowly begin to fade.
However, I’ve started to move closer to someone who will never let me down, who will always know what is better for me when nothing seems to be going the way I want, who will have the patience to deal with my bad days and instill that same peace within me. Someone who will never judge, never compare. He will carry me through.
I’m tired of the bad decisions, the heart ache, the unwarranted tears, the sacrifices of no avail. When the pages turn, I want to be sure. Sure that I’m done with the past and ready to step into the future. To step into the world of adults and adult decisions. To wake up and go to work every morning. To get married and have children and “settle down”.
That’s such a scary word. And a whole new set of attachments. I just desire freedom. Freedom from the scary thoughts in my head; from the world waiting to eat me alive; from the pressures of society; from the wild tongues that run rampant and ruin lives. Freedom to fall; to get dirty; to make mistakes; to fly into obstacles…all to end up standing on my own.
Thankfully,it looks like it’s not just me but others stuck in this period of answerless question. We question our life dreams and the path we have chosen to fulfill them. We question our life partner, are we ready. We question our sacrifices of self for work, relationships and stepping out of our childhood.
Oh God! Forgive me for my years of neglect and carry me through. Take away this hesitency in my heart and fill it with peace.
As the warm summer breeze blows
and the petals fall, one by one;
dried now, unlike before
brings memories of the heart
that within them store.
White, like snow they were
with a smudge of red amid them,
that brought the pain, I suppose
like the bleeding of a heart
over the blanket of snow.
And slowly now, as the petals fall
the pain fades away,
it is now time to move on;
to start afresh,
to hide those memories deep inside.
I lay down those roses to rest
that carry a heart filled with pain
and whisper a prayer
‘RIP dear roses,
and may the heart that
you shield, love forever’