I hope the memoirs in your box have gotten rusty,
while the memories in my mind remain vibrant;
filled with hello goodbyes, joy and eternal highs.
As the time has now come to an end,
we have gone from strangers to friends and back, a complete circle of life;
once doused in color, all burnt out.
The air has gotten thicker and the oxygen concentration
has dropped since you walked away;
making it harder to breathe, but it won’t conquer me.
It’s not that I ever wanted to live without you,
I just had no say in it;
please remain safe junkie, may the world always be your oyster.
The distance grows yet the world gets smaller,
and while the jagged dagger causes chaos in my heart;
I wish you peace in yours and the infinite silence of demons.
May you forever live buried in the depths of my being,
as the light in your eyes, your quirky smile and fierce heart;
resonates through me.
To us, to yesterday, to never after.
When he asked I was scared, I knew I didn’t want anyone less in my life who wouldn’t go on to become my husband. But I had to try, I wouldn’t get a second chance, yet I didn’t want to either. I was so afraid. So I called someone for advice and he said that I had to try, that I’d never know until I did. I put my fear away and said yes. He was mine. I could officially call him mine. I was weary though, good things don’t happen to me so easily. The ecstasy of it overrode the negativity in my mind. I was so so happy, I had hope. He let me in to parts of his life, but he kept me out of the others. I didn’t want that, I wanted everything – the good, bad and the downright ugly. I hoped he’d come around, I had time I said to myself and time is what it’ll take. I didn’t push. I just sat there in my happy bubble. And happy was what I was. Happy arguing, happy smiling, happy laughing, happy living life. He made me feel safe. He pushed me to look beyond the pettiness, to grow to be the better person. I love him for the little things, because he wasn’t anything spectacularly large. He was an abundance of small victories rolled up together – every one of which he deserved, which he worked hard for. I believe in him and his greatness, his strive, his dreams. I could not have been blessed in my life with someone better than him. Then I lost him. I lost him to himself. I lost him to his need to protect me from himself than show me himself. I lost him before he even knew he was going. And I think that was the worst, knowing that someone is going before even they know – waiting quietly for them to realize they are already out the door. It broke my heart, yet I will always love him beyond myself, because he is worthy of it. He may not realize it, but I said I’d take this pain, this hurt, this heartache so that he wouldn’t have to, and I will – he is worth it. I just wasn’t lucky enough to have him for the time I had hoped. Luck was never on my side anyways. I miss him everyday; but in the days I had, I loved him like I was going to lose him. We could have been better than what we were, we were just two different people; cautious of different pain. He will always be the better part of me, I hope somewhere I’ll be the better part of him.
You’ll always be my favorite “what if”, but I’m sticking with “what is”. -Lang Leav
We lose people in our lives everyday. The age-old saying that time heals everything, is just words of comfort. Time doesn’t heal anything, the only thing that time does is blur the memories you are fighting to hold on to. Life goes on, you get up and force yourself to keep moving – that time and life wait for no one; soon enough it becomes habit. We are nothing but creatures of habit. But our minds, they don’t stay quiet, our minds are loud. They scream and wail, but our lips are quiet because we can’t change our loss, we can only bear them. We can only hope to silence our minds by distraction, that usually works on good days. No one really recovers from loss.
The only certainty in this life is death.
Yes death, not just physical death – but death of life, death of friendship, death of love, death of happiness, death of joy, death of dreams, death of spirituality, death of humanity. How does one look past that? How does one recover?
So watch me
as I devour your lips
taste all your
sweet sweet lies.
As sure as the river carves
it’s way through the earths floor,
I have filled your cracks with beauty
on the way to your fiery core.
The day will soon come
that you shall dwell in
my love, walking away from your pain.
For you are mine, always have been.
Why I wrote this:
Daydreams and fantasies. Kidding myself!
I come from a family that doesn’t like to see people cry. My brother and I often tease mother when she gets sentimental over things like good-byes, achievements and deaths. But now it seems that I’ve been too hard on her or that I’m following in her footsteps. I’m not a person who believes in tears; they are for the weak, the feminine, the manipulators. I was wrong.
There’s a weight over my heart and a black cloud over my mind, there’s nothing I can do about it but feel it’s sorrow, pain and darkness. I cry.
For my grandmother whose love we haven’t felt in so long. The woman who isn’t here anymore to enjoy the frivolity of a family reunion holiday 10 years in the making. The lady who held the family together and taught us the true meaning of maintaining good family ties. I cry for her not being with us. I pray that her time in the grave is peaceful. I pray that her good deeds help her cross the Siraat safely into Jannah. I pray that her children, and we, her grandchildren are a source of sadaqah jariyah for her. Most of all, I pray she is with the people she loves, her husband, her siblings, her friends.
For the boy I love with all my heart, who I haven’t spoken to in 3 months that feels like years. For the heart ache that seems to only be mine. For the years of memories that seems to only haunt me. For the hope that doesn’t seem to want to die. The boy makes me think of Allah; of how much He loves us and how much, we, His blessings turn away from His love, just like the boy who turns away from mine. I cry for the sleepless nights, the restless mind and the painful heart. The memories that bring smiles and the light to my eyes.
For my brother who lives so far away, who has his own life that’s not intertwined with mine. Who I wish I saw more often and laughed more often with. Who is now on the way back to his home, a home that’s not ours. I miss that boy and his big, loud mouth. I miss the happiness he brings home. I miss our childhood days when we were close and we were each others secret-keepers.
Home is where the heart is, and for right now, for today my heart is broken into pieces, scattered around the globe. With the people who no longer grace this earth, with the people who fly away from me, with the people who I leave behind.
Hard stabbing pain.
It won’t go away.
Why doesn’t it?
Memories you want to erase.
A mind that won’t forget.
People you don’t want to see.
A mind that won’t forget.
Not enough air.
Fill my lungs.
Dear friend, how can I explain…?I see the pain in your eyes,but I’m glad you have your better dayswhen the light shines brighter than usual.I know you are thinking of her,of her eyes, of the things that make your heart warmin every breath that you take.I hear the silent plea that your soul makesfor it all to be the same as it was,to turn back time and rewrite history.I understand how hard it is to smile,when all you feel is emptiness, but smile anyways.The pain shall fade with it.Don’t give up hope,take the extended hand, shoulder, earand don’t let go until you feel stronger.Trust. Dream. Live.The world is indeed a beautiful place.Beauty comes in the roses, along with the thorns,in the small miracles that come by everyday.We are knocking on closed doors,open them and let us in,to help you find the strength to smile..
She sat at the bottom of the staircase, alone;
her face hollow, her eyes swollen with unborn tears,
waiting, ever so patiently to rush out like a raging river.
The anger within, surging beyond
her control, was ripping her
like a tiger and his prey.
No one saw her, no one cared.
Helpless, with no comforting shoulder,
the pain inside was so strong, so controlling,
killing her instead of making her stronger.
She was scared and invisible,
crying out to the world,
but not a soul heard her.
No one reached out, no one cared.
So tired, she let out her tears,
and they flooded the floor,
but the pain still remained
like a flame out of control.
Her anger lashed out
as she destroyed all in her path,
No one bothered, no one cared.
So pained, she gave up hope,
and ever so slowly she faded away.
As they buried her in the valley
where the sun doesn’t rise,
no one came to say their last goodbyes.
And even after she was dead and gone
No one cared for the departed one.
As the warm summer breeze blows
and the petals fall, one by one;
dried now, unlike before
brings memories of the heart
that within them store.
White, like snow they were
with a smudge of red amid them,
that brought the pain, I suppose
like the bleeding of a heart
over the blanket of snow.
And slowly now, as the petals fall
the pain fades away,
it is now time to move on;
to start afresh,
to hide those memories deep inside.
I lay down those roses to rest
that carry a heart filled with pain
and whisper a prayer
‘RIP dear roses,
and may the heart that
you shield, love forever’