There was never any hesitation in the choices I made for you
in the depth of my mind
in the chambers of my heart
in the corners of my soul.
Yet I’m terrified, the butterflies are overshadowed by the fear of
being hurt by your words
being stranded by your actions
being unloved by your defiant heart.
In the reality of ghosts that haunt your past, present and future,
my eyes shall sparkle in your presence
my lips shall continue the silence
my hands shall continue to honor your memory.
Why I wrote this:
Some of the greatest love stories were not because they loved out loud.
You flooded into my life and caused all this commotion, turning my reality into a nightmare delusion. I wanted to be yours, with all my heart, body and soul. You became a priority I couldn’t compromise on. I wanted that and I went after it. I changed, I grew, I took a step forward. I purged my days of the unnecessary and vowed to always be there.
I dreamt of sky diving being beautiful with my eyes closed and finding strength in your fingers entwined with mine. I dreamt of bungee jumping being amazing with the sound of your heartbeat drowning out my fears. I dreamt of fast cars being out of this world with your easy chatter and illuminated eyes. But those are dreams that will just remain dreams.
For me, it’s you. You are my person. You will always be my person. I don’t doubt it. It’s almost scary how certain I am. No matter the difference, no matter the waves of pain – you are the peace in my life, the calm and the storm. There is no replacement. That is an ember I will bear.
But, with my heavy heart I know that I will never be your person, that is the cruel reality. And that kiss on the forehead which I thought meant you were coming home to me, bringing tears of joy to my eyes; now only brings choked sadness and realization that it only meant ‘goodbye’…
For what it’s worth, I’m in love with you. Completely.
I hope you find someone to love who loves you with the same intensity and ferocity that I do. That’s not enough for me, but it will have to do.