Fresh mountain air.
Tainted desert sands.
Eyes that hide secrets.
A smile that ignites fire.
Words so constant.
Actions of the subtlest nature.
I-miss-you never aloud.
Lace against body.
Sweet chemical combustion.
Heart in shards.
Thousand glittering pieces.
Ghosts of my mind.
Passion slow to diffuse.
Take me back.
Be my lover and my demon.
Don’t leave me like this.
Holding my breath.
I hope the memoirs in your box have gotten rusty,
while the memories in my mind remain vibrant;
filled with hello goodbyes, joy and eternal highs.
As the time has now come to an end,
we have gone from strangers to friends and back, a complete circle of life;
once doused in color, all burnt out.
The air has gotten thicker and the oxygen concentration
has dropped since you walked away;
making it harder to breathe, but it won’t conquer me.
It’s not that I ever wanted to live without you,
I just had no say in it;
please remain safe junkie, may the world always be your oyster.
The distance grows yet the world gets smaller,
and while the jagged dagger causes chaos in my heart;
I wish you peace in yours and the infinite silence of demons.
May you forever live buried in the depths of my being,
as the light in your eyes, your quirky smile and fierce heart;
resonates through me.
To us, to yesterday, to never after.
The air is filled with all my neurosis
at losing the people most precious.
These demons just won’t let it rest,
whispering to the right, again on the left.
The dates have changed with time
since way back in twenty-oh-nine.
But how can I forget as time flies by?
It’s another year without them alive.
The people who made me feel so much life,
like strangers fading away without a fight.
I can’t keep losing them like this,
let me not be attached – I wish.
Having said that,
can I please have them all back?
We could have shared
kisses in the rain
and held each other during
those long tube journeys.
We could have walked
a lot more closer
sweet terms of endearment.
But you were too late
to say it out loud,
the happy memories
are now just a little bittersweet.
It’s not really something I know how to put down in words. It’s not a broken heart truly, it’s a solid kick in the gut. That’s what it feels like – something that takes the air right out of you, not just because of the pain, but for that moment you lose the will to breathe. You see it coming but nothing can honestly prepare you for that blow.
It’s not the loss of a loved one, or a friend; it’s losing your person. All your friends can be there for you and make you feel like you are on top of the world, but on a legally bad day, there is only one person you go to. That person can’t fix anything but they make you feel safe, they feel what you feel. That’s all we really want in life; to be understood. That person takes the brunt of your existence, all the ups and downs and idiocy in between. And when that person is gone, you don’t really know what to do anymore. All the small meaningless things that you used to remember to share get lost in the crossfire of neurons, buried in a pile of ‘things only you’d understand, but you aren’t here anymore’. All the big things, you can handle that. You get up, you go about life, you keep dreaming and you keep moving forward. But life isn’t about the big things. It’s always been about the small little things – a song on the radio, a hadith someone shared, a smile from a baby, a random conversation with a stranger, a long day at the office, a sale in your favorite store. Maybe it had no significance to them and maybe I wasn’t their go to person, but here is where my selfishness comes out. They were mine and to me, that’s all that matters.
Though I love them to pieces, it’s not not about redirecting that love. It’s a literal hole in your life, a void you don’t know how to fill, a silence that is unwanted. I’m fine. All I am is a little lost, aren’t we all at some time or the other? But I’ll find my way. I just don’t know what to do with that loss. I’ll figure it out. I know I will. I have to be okay, for them to be okay. And I will be because I care so damn much. That will never change.
So here’s a piece of advice: Make the most of your friendship, especially the ones who fill up the spaces in your heart. Make time, keep in touch. Nothing lasts forever, and you never really know what you’ve lost till it’s gone.
La tristesse durera toujours
Performed at my first ever Poetry Open Mic. That was some scary stuff. Almost couldn’t see what I had written. But didn’t pass out, nor did I fall off the stage, or do anything else embarrassing. I’ll take that as a win – thankyouverymuch.
Nothing short of a beautiful month is May. Misskayes celebrated her birthday, and though plans sort of fell through, she will always be my 19 year old beauty queen, rocking that yellow. #infinity
Another friend, in the land down under went through the blog and loved my writing. Bless her! She finally started baking as a part time business, rightly so. She’s amazing.
Spoke with Miz after what feels like ages, and caught up on Courtesan au chocolat, cute irish baker boy and books! ❤
I was falling. Falling through time and space and stars and sky and everything in between. I fell for days and weeks and what felt like lifetime across lifetimes. I fell until I forgot I was falling.
Made a trip to the Souk at Qaryat Al Beri. Got some decent photos, wish they were better – I’ll make do with these till I do.
I got my visa! Booked my flight! Told my girls! Told my boys!
Got tiramisu! It was delish. Lots better than from the cafe, but the cafe does make a mean pannacotta!
Sometimes you have those moments where you can still surprise your already worldly parents. Took mom for her first chocolate sphere. She loved it. I loved that she loved it. We had a great night.
Had mandatory farewell dinner. Always such a joy. Nothing too fancy this time. Thankfully. Matching red shoes was absolutely hilarious. AND CHOCOLATE TRUFFLE CAKE! I’m going to miss Magnolias…
Hustle and bustle at the airport with mum and dad and selfie taking. NQB doing a back flip cz I was leaving that night and not the next. He’s a doll! Misskayes and her heartbreaking farewell..
Quick selfie with the bro at Paddington and on the train to Newport. Got a lovely housemate.
Lots and lots of skyping. Its been crazy. But it’s been good at keeping the homesickness away. Now its just regular Skype dates.
Hijacked a girl on the street and made a new friend.
Got a black balloon worthy visitor. Had a great few days along with the bank holiday. Silenced our fear of heights for a day with an inhaler, hand holding and encouragement.
Starting work, FINALLY! Great team, learning new things everyday. Wonky babies. Saving lives.
Cousin and cousin going down! Sorta conspired with T to get that done – but good for them. Couldn’t be happier for them to be together and start the lives they are ready to lead.
Baking. Hmm. None. Did try peach upside down cake, but not used to the oven yet. Needs to be attempted again.
Songs.. Same old. Maybe a few new ones, but aren’t really coming to mind atm. Shall update.
Remember that place we go to?
The one that reminds you of your childhood?
Was it a tradition your dad started?
Remember how I was so amazed?
How you taught me the art of feeding?
Does it still feel like a place with happy memories?
Do you miss him now that he is gone?
The man in your life that used to take you there?
Does that place still hold a warm feeling?
Why I wrote this:
My best friends dad passed away about 5 years ago, and I can only imagine the impact it must have had on him. You cant really do anything for them but just be there. He told me about this place in our hometown that his father took him to as a child. I just wanted him to still have fond memories of that place, so I insisted we go. He is a different person when we go there. Just for that, I’m happy.
You mean nothing to me,
You never were the ultimate love of my life.
I don’t think about you at all,
I don’t even have floods of memories.
You didn’t change me with your words,
You couldn’t even with your blinding stares.
I accept your silence,
I go on albeit your distance.
You have no strength to break my heart,
You without the courage to love.
I embrace your demons,
I wish you tormenting nightmares.
You are everything ordinary,
You have no power over farewells.
I come from a family that doesn’t like to see people cry. My brother and I often tease mother when she gets sentimental over things like good-byes, achievements and deaths. But now it seems that I’ve been too hard on her or that I’m following in her footsteps. I’m not a person who believes in tears; they are for the weak, the feminine, the manipulators. I was wrong.
There’s a weight over my heart and a black cloud over my mind, there’s nothing I can do about it but feel it’s sorrow, pain and darkness. I cry.
For my grandmother whose love we haven’t felt in so long. The woman who isn’t here anymore to enjoy the frivolity of a family reunion holiday 10 years in the making. The lady who held the family together and taught us the true meaning of maintaining good family ties. I cry for her not being with us. I pray that her time in the grave is peaceful. I pray that her good deeds help her cross the Siraat safely into Jannah. I pray that her children, and we, her grandchildren are a source of sadaqah jariyah for her. Most of all, I pray she is with the people she loves, her husband, her siblings, her friends.
For the boy I love with all my heart, who I haven’t spoken to in 3 months that feels like years. For the heart ache that seems to only be mine. For the years of memories that seems to only haunt me. For the hope that doesn’t seem to want to die. The boy makes me think of Allah; of how much He loves us and how much, we, His blessings turn away from His love, just like the boy who turns away from mine. I cry for the sleepless nights, the restless mind and the painful heart. The memories that bring smiles and the light to my eyes.
For my brother who lives so far away, who has his own life that’s not intertwined with mine. Who I wish I saw more often and laughed more often with. Who is now on the way back to his home, a home that’s not ours. I miss that boy and his big, loud mouth. I miss the happiness he brings home. I miss our childhood days when we were close and we were each others secret-keepers.
Home is where the heart is, and for right now, for today my heart is broken into pieces, scattered around the globe. With the people who no longer grace this earth, with the people who fly away from me, with the people who I leave behind.
Hard stabbing pain.
It won’t go away.
Why doesn’t it?
Memories you want to erase.
A mind that won’t forget.
People you don’t want to see.
A mind that won’t forget.
Not enough air.
Fill my lungs.