He had always been mine and I his.
For years we kept up this façade
of hiding behind ‘NO’
but in our hearts laid great
tenderness for the other.
Until the secrets weighed too heavily;
the masks dropped
and fragile hearts shattered.
I see you, the person you are becoming.
A stranger to me, far from the one I love.
You come close to me; oddly I am repulsed by you.
I don’t want your hands on me,
touching me, feeling me.
I don’t want your alcohol-filled kisses
on my lips, or face, or neck.
That sparkle in your eyes,
the one I love so; is gone.
Replaced by a lust I don’t want to recognize.
There is a fear in me, a fear of hurting you.
You, so vulnerable, so fragile.
Then you come to me and hold me
like you’ve done something you regret.
I don’t understand all this. Not even a bit.
And what hurts more than watching you lose your senses,
is that you don’t see how hurt I am by this.
You are filled with concern about others, but not me,
yet I love that part of you too.
I missed you that night my love,
missed you too much.
Sometimes I think about the past,
and wonder if it would have been different.
If we would have had what we have today,
or whether it would have faded away.
Sometimes I just want to run away,
and hide in a place where no one will find me.
To be alone with myself,
so that my thoughts will have space to breathe.
Sometimes I smile to myself in the sunshine,
and continue walking down the street.
Thinking about all those good times,
those memories of laughter.
Sometimes I dream about the future,
and how it seems so bright.
How it would feel like to spend a lifetime with you,
being with you every step of the way.
Sometimes I wonder if you’re thinking about me,
and how close we once were.
At what we are doing, how we are,
how we are coping, whether we are smiling.
Sometimes I look around me, at things learnt,
and I am eternally thankful.
For my family, friends and life,
it has been good to me, even through the storms.
Sometimes I ponder over the present,
and ask myself if it would be the same if I stayed behind.
If you would have given us another chance,
so I could feel the way I used to when you called my name.
Sometimes I am curious to know,
what would happen if you saw right through me.
Would you be amazed at how you’ve been deceived?
The mask I wear, will it frighten you?