It was never your love that I needed,
it was your presence.
That’s where I blossomed,
my own selfish piece of comfort.
I wish I could say that I was caught up
in a fairy tale whirlwind to
not see this coming.
But I wasn’t and I did.
I had hoped for more.
It’s expectation that is always,
undoubtedly the heartbreaker.
And another month has come to pass. It’s been a heart-wrenching trip through July but it does have it’s ups, which I’m always grateful for and the whole point behind these posts.
I’ve got not only got my very awesome Malaysian educational supervisor supporting my learning, but the whole department is pro me going forward and starting off on my own. It’s a great boost of confidence to hear that from consultants. Attended 2 pediatric radiology meetings as well and it’s starting to grow on me and get used to everything.
Made a trip to Cardiff with Sharmi for Tafwyl, wasn’t the best – but had a good wonder and had some lovely chinese noodles with halal beef. Yes. That is something to be happy about. Lol. Got to wander around Cardiff Castle as well and tried to make some head-way with picking up some Welsh – massive fail. We also managed to try Welsh beans on toast – which is lots better than the English version, I must admit. Picked up a banoffee frappe from Coffee #1. Much as it was really good, can’t beat Caribou.
Had a blast of a time for Eid. Ran for Eid prayers almost getting lost and had a funny incidence with a grandma who hugged me and wished me Eid Mubarak before her grown children, which was almost epic. Almost big fat family reunion in Peterborough meeting lots of new faces and running about train stations in heels, but the food.. OH.MY.GAWD. so good! And Nene trying hard to convince all of us to buy property there. Spent Sunday stuffing my face with South Indian food and then over at Harpenden with my exciting 4 minions. They are the best. Got invited to the treehouse – such privilege I tell you. Rice told me about the planets. I love that child. He is the absolute bomb. Caught a blazing sunset as well, so refreshing. Monday meet-up with Muna for Malaysian food – we ordered so much and it was all so good, definitely had a food coma for the next few days. Good thing we took a walk through Hyde Park to peak at the Diana Memorial, which I’m sure we passed and didn’t even notice.
Spent 3 days in the RSM library doing research for my interesting case report presentation for the WPS autumn session and made fantastic progress – ie I actually found something on it. It’s definitely getting more interesting and feeding my curiosity. And I finally check out a book as well on radiological anatomy. I will go through it. Promise.
Decided on the watch I’m treating myself with. It’s a beauty. Can’t wait to have it. It’s a secret – it’s not the conventional one. I never do go for those. But I’m so in love with this, such a beauty.
I did some writing. Got a foot out of my writers block. Felt lots better after.
Went up to Merthyr for my NLS and I passed. *phew and decided that if I were to pick up an accent I’d like a Merthyr accent for now. PCH did have some decent views of the Brecon. Lucky I took my camera with me. Nasty train journey though, that was mostly my fault. I learn.
I got a cannula in on the first try – oh ya baby!
Went shopping with the other lankan doc from work to Cardiff and got cherries on the way back – so I made cake with it. Tried out the Donauwelle (Danube Wave) sheet cake which is from Germany/Austria. So so good *yum. Vanilla cake topped with chocolate cake topped with cherries topped with creamed custard topped with chocolate – heaven I tell you!
Poison – Rita Ora
Shine – Years & Years
Shut Up and Dance – WALK THE MOON
Like I’m Gonna Lose You – Meghan Trainor & John Legend
Officially started my first ever job. It’s been a crazy month handling ICU long shifts, nights shifts, high-dependency, nursery and postnates. Lot more protocol than anything else – but I’m getting used to it. Some its and bits are stuck onto my mind, that helps. I did my first ever Cranial USS supervised of course and it was lovely. Also did my first shift alone, wasn’t too bad – but I’ve gotta work on my timing. It’s been the month of twins. Got bundles and bundles of them. Also got in my first baby cannula in after several failed attempts. It’s been a month of small victories. I’m all for them and hopefully many more.
Your soul that intoxicates me
day and night,
is also my life force.
Without your life in my life
I am nothing;
just as without me – you are nothing.
I made a trip down to the Gower, it rained the entirety of one day and the next was beautiful. Hope you love the the pictures as much as I did taking them. I did some crazy walks over there and I’m sorta still recovering from them. I’ve managed to pull a muscle and that is yet to go back to normal. It was a beautiful experience. I stayed with this lovely convert and her daughter had come in over the weekend as well. It was just beautiful to see how different people embrace Islam – so humbly, very reflective. May Allah continue to grant them Mercy!
Just a footnote – they have this sick milkshake only hole-in-the-wall called The Mad Cow. I definitely recommend it. You pick your size you pick your flavor you pick your topping (that’s optional) and you get this wonderful concoction. I had Ferrero Rocher and Reese’s peanut butter cups – too much sugar I almost gave myself diabetes – side warning. 🙂
Celebrated my half birthday with my lovely other half – misskayes with a transcontinental coffee date at our favorite coffee shop – Caribou’s (well the Caribou equivalent here – Hi! Coffee) because they do mean mochas. And she had a quiche – for total pun. Might just start a half birthday tradition like this. ❤
There’s something about you, something so wonderfully wicked and terribly sexy. ~Michael Faudet
Ramadan started. It’s been peaceful. Alhamdulillah. It usually is quite turmoil, but this time I’ve got a lot to be grateful for. Additionally you do find inspiration in strange places. Chumma sent me this lovely photo quote about asking Allah to forgive me not to give me – and in all fairness, as humans with our nature to sin, what better time to just sit and humbly ask for forgiveness and turning of hearts and strengthening of faith?! InshaAllah may our Ummah benefit greatly from this month and take a step towards unity. Ameen.
My cousin and cousin got married (on paper) – MashaAllah! May this union be blessed with happiness.
I did so some baking – I finally tried the Mexican Chocoflan. Didn’t look as great as Tas’s – but did taste quite amazing. Don’t know why I hadn’t tried it out earlier. Quite a shame.
Last but not the least, Misskayes has been going through some tsunamis of her own – something for her from her fav writer/poet:
Music – just got hooked on Demi Lovato’s album and haven’t progressed much from there really!
April is a tricky month. Let’s start with April Fools – definitely the highlight was Miss Kayes’ mom fool on her daughter. Still cracks me up!
I got a random FB message from an old Malaysian friend from college saying that he went through all my poetry pieces and encouraged me to keep writing – honestly, those sort of praises don’t come every day. Not that that is the reason that I write, but it was just nice I guess.
Headed to Dxb with mather (ie mother) and we went flea market shopping – it was insane. I love treasures from other peoples closets. I got myself 4 funky tops for such a throw away price. Then I met up with the skinny Mona and her Komal and there was a Komel meet Komal situation which I find so much joy in, but that’s just me. We said bye bye to Mona darling and her Komal, and ran to the Dubai Poetry Slam – got to watch Abdulnassir perform his “Beyonce” piece, but the killer was definitely Afrah Ateeq! We also did a Hummingbirds vs Magnolia cupcake analysis, Magnolia won. But I’m thinking of giving the original Hummingbirds in London another try when I’m in town.
“Why is it so difficult to live honestly with the person you love?
This world is a bureaucratic mess.”
This was a comment on HONY – facebook
The pleasant, earthly smell on earth after the rain is called Petrichor. I love that smell and I’m glad to have found the right word.
My parents celebrated their 30th (pearl) wedding anniversary. That’s a long time. God bless them and may He make the rest of their days easy.
Checked out the Third Place Cafe. It was fun. I’ve definitely missed Orange Chocolate drinks, and got my fix there. Reasonably quaint place! I’d go again with cafe appropriate people.
I took some Jummah (friday prayer) photographs focusing on children. This is my favorite one. He can’t be more than 10 years old, but his urgency in his rush to prayer – it just caught my heart.
Finished my #singlepringlecollection of 10 poems. Some weren’t as great as I had hoped.
People break their promises all the time, sometimes out of ill-will, and sometimes simply out of their fragile humanness. It is only Allah whose promises are never broken and whose promises are eternal. He promises us forever – on the condition that we fight against our fragility and selfishness to uphold our promise to Him too.
“So be patient, Indeed, the promise of Allah is truth.” (30:60)
Did you know that chimichangas is a real thing?! I’m trying those out one day!
I finally finally got my sponsorship papers. Now it’s visa time (Getting excited again)…
Dragged dad along with me to Al Muneera to get authentic Sicilian cannolis. I was not disappointed. Yes to cheese always. I also snuck in a few sunset photographs as you can see.
Passed my BLS for the 2nd time – woot woot. Also gained a massive bruise from it and muscle ache, so please, nobody die on me.
Z visited and we walked endlessly in the sun, discovered a white sandy beach. So beautiful.
No earthquake can shake your hearts – Solidarity for Nepal
That’s where I want to be, helping, putting my hands and heart to use!
I tripped to Alain. Went to sweet palace and got a lil crazy with all the things they have – bought so much goodies.
This month I went on a bit of a baking spree. I made mint chocolate brownies, chocolate cassata cake, strawberry angel cake and pumpkin granola muffins which all turned out surprisingly well. Oh! and lots of pancakes.
I also finally finished reading Lang Leav’s Lullabies and here are a few excerpts from it that I loved immensely:
- What I will tell you is this; it’s okay to be hurting as much as you are. What you are feeling is not only completely valid but necessary – because it makes you so much more human. And though I can’t promise it will get better anytime soon, I can tell you that it will – eventually.
- Our love – a dead star;
to the world it burns brightly
But it died long ago
- She learned too late that poets are among the damned, cursed to commiserate over their loss, to reach with outstretched hands.
- The thoughts we each keep
that are closest to heart
we think as we sleep –
and you’re always my last.
- We’re kids, aren’t we?
Yes, kids with grown up powers.
Take care of him.”
That’s what she said.
“How do you do that for a man who
wants someone else?”
I stepped back. That’s what I did.
There she lay
beside me in sweet slumber,
a smirk on her face.
A curious early morning sight,
yet I rolled away to face the ceiling.
She, was stuck with me.
I wondered, would it be different
if he lay next to me,
would he be pulling me in closer?
Ouch! She just smacked me
out of my daydream.
I, was stuck with her.
Here I am,
having the time of my life
yet coming back to an empty house
thinking I’d much rather
be with you!
There you are,
walking away with
your bags packed and mind made up
so I guess I’m getting used to
home being this way!
In a world that is intent on breaking,
it’s the first time I’ve learnt
to let go.
This is us.
This is love.
This is where I sleep,
alone in peaceful reverie.
With you darling, seas apart,
tormented by the road
You taught me to never
judge a book by its cover,
so I let him recite eloquent verses
that took me to a different time.
That was the thing I loved
most about him,
that he read in a language which
wasn’t completely mine.
Unfailingly, sometime in the course of your education you have been asked who your role model was, am I right? I know I have, way back in the 4th grade. Who even knows what a role model is at the age of 10? Since I most definitively didn’t, I researched fitting role models. Let me tell you, back then female role models were limited – and between Mother Teresa and Princess Diana, no offence to Mother Teresa at all – but I had the makings of a Princess Diana shrine. She got the Prince, the heirs to the longest ruling monarchy in the world, a fantabulous dress and got to travel to all parts of the earth to do great things. I was awed.
Until I handed in my assignment, and everyone else had written about their mothers, teachers, sisters, or some other family member that I should have written about my mother or my grandmother too. They have surely come so far for women of their generations, and it’s definitely because of them that I have come as far as I have. But let me explain, I love my mother. I’m not an ungrateful daughter. I appreciate all of her stubbornness and word of law in my upbringing. I’m thankful for her constantly pushing me and her sacrifices. I’d like to tell her that she knows me so well, I’d like to fool myself into thinking that she could pass a test of my life – but she won’t, and till this day she thinks I have been a fool on several occasions. While she might think so, I’ve always been totally aware of the situation. We don’t have that best friend relationship. As much as I look up to her, she could not be my role model.
The dictionary states that a role model is
He is not perfect, like every human he has his flaws. Never-the-less, he is inspiring at the most. He is my role model because he inspires me, and he hasn’t failed to continue inspiring me in the past decade or so which is a really difficult feat because I’m so fickle. He inspires me because he fights for his dreams – he doesn’t give up when things get hard and he knows when to move on when there is nothing left to gain. He inspires me in his friendship – he doesn’t give the time of day to negative people, but will bend backwards for those who have been through thick and thin with him. He inspires me through his faith – for his incessant journey to know more, to have greater iman, to be closer to Allah. He inspires me with his character – loyal, harsh, yet kind. He inspires me in the ways he helps people, knowingly or not. He inspires me in how he knows when to be serious and when not. He inspires me through how far he has come as a person through change and self-improvement. He inspires me to never settle for less than I am. He inspires me to keep fighting when I’m ready to give up. He inspires me to keep turning to Allah when I’m stuck because no one else can really do anything to help me. He inspires me to be kind even if it’s the smallest thing. He inspires me to be resilient and tough, yet gentle. He inspires me to think about the bigger picture and not focus too much on the insignificant little things. He inspires me to stay true to myself and what I believe in even if I’m going against the wave. He inspires me to be honest, loyal and confident. He inspires me to set my bar high and work hard enough to catch those dreams in the palms of my hand. He inspires me to always test before trusting. He inspires me by always being a phone call away no matter the distance in miles.
That is what a role model is – someone who greatly inspires you to be exactly who you want to be. This world has become so career orientated, that most of our role models have something to do with what career path we choose, or some this-or-that celebrity that has gone through some this-or-that adversity. I don’t think I have a role model in my field. In fact I have no clue about celebrities and awards and nobel peace prizes and innovation awards. I don’t need it. I don’t need a role model for my career. But I need a role model for my life.
You don’t have to be famous to leave a mark on the world. Sometimes all you need to be is – inspiring. And for that, I’d take him over Princess Diana any day. Right here, next to me.
Much ado about nothing – it was still a great trip to Brighton with K Jr, John-daughter and bro-man. Definitely for the food, and for this beautiful sunset moment. Shall recommend the galore of seafood. Pigged out like crazy! Finally UK meet-up with Zaynab before she headed back home. Quaint town that spells lanes as laines! Very amusing.
Next stop, was the much anticipated trip to Manchester to meet “chumma” who flew in all the way from Dublin. Got cheap and awesome coffee from Fatso’s. It’s great if you are looking for a caffeine kick while soaking up the sun. Met 2 other interesting gentlemen, to say the least. But walked about with “chumma” to see the beautiful Manchester Cathedral and then just chill-bonded at Las Iguanas (yes, it’s my all time fav place). Parted from the gentlemen and met up with Ahmed – hunted for ghost shisha places, until we finally hit the jackpot! The waiter was a doll!!! Rush to get to the airport and rush to get to the train, well worth the trip. Miss her!!!
Spent 1.5 days with pre-schoolers and had an absolute blast. I’d give for that again. Rice gave my heart some life back again. I almost didn’t want to leave him. </3
The next whirlwind of activity arrived and I collected him from the smallest airport ever – yes, he is baggage! (lol) Got chocolate 😀 And started our #4daysforsweettooths
- Day1: Lola’s Cupcakes @Selfridges – Raspberry chocolate cake
- Day2: Motown Desserts @Whitechapel – Cloud 9 and Pecan pie
- Day3: Bakery @Harrods – Black velvet cake and Pecan pie
- Day4: Urban Chocolatier @Whitechapel – Mugshot cookie dough and Cherry dark hot chocolate
Got shortlisted for 2 interviews the following week, both in unique locations, thankfully in the field I love! They were quite interesting, went smoothly and got offered both positions. Allah has been kind to me this month. Immensely!!! Started packing to get back home and last minute shopping, met a doll in the process. We, well I, finally went to have Sachertorte at Angel post-Valentine and Sri Lanka’s world cup disappointment drama. I think I built too much of a hype in my head around it. Off to Manchester to meet the lovely Ashley and chill out there, enjoy the rain and bipolar weather.
“Be watchful–the grace of God appears suddenly. It comes without warning to an open heart.” Jalal ad-Deen Rumi — An old friend posted that. I’m a huge Rumi fan, this one really hit home hard.
Finally back home and the first call ever — from my girl Koms! She really is all about that damn BASS!!! I can’t wait to meet her, but first things first – chilling with my ancient home girls after what? 7 years I think. Such a blast, such crazy. Still learning new things, actually talking about serious yet rubbish topics. It was great to have them over! ❤ They actually had epic timing, witnessed a milestone moment (no, I didn’t miraculously grow taller).
Daddy’s birthday – brunching and lunching. Delish meat.. Meat, glorious meat!!! Happy tummy… It’s good to be home 🙂
Tunes for the month:
-If you haven’t heard the “Thinking Out Loud/ I’m Not The Only One” Mash-up by Sam Tsui and Casey Breves – YOU SHOULD!!!
-Ed Sheeran: Photograph
-Hozier: Take Me To Church
-Ellie Goulding: Love Me Like You Do
You meet that one person.
Your best friend. Your secret-keeper.
Your cheerleader. Your love.
This is when life decides, No!
Religion comes in. Society comes in.
Distance comes in. Culture comes in.
There is no going back.
You can’t have it. You need it.
You want to hold on. You wish it disappears.
Once you’ve stepped over.
Life is not a straight line.
Life is love. Love is pain.
Life is a cycle. A cycle without gain.
Life is a doodle.
Why I wrote this:
Life just doesn’t go the way you want it to, it takes all sorts of twists and turns, most you aren’t really prepared for.