I will always be that girl
standing in front of him
asking him to love her
beyond his brokenness.
I will always be that girl
standing beside him
with his fingers entwined in mine
for support in his confusion.
I will always be that girl
standing behind him
pushing him forward
through his insecurities.
I thought your teenage years were the most messed up years of your life, the years when you didn’t know who you were or who you wanted to be. I’ve left those years behind a couple of years ago. So why am I still so confused? Why am I still so scared?
I have friends, and I have close friends and a best friend – but it always feels like I’m pulling them in and pushing them out in double the speed. How is it that I still can’t trust anyone with myself? How is it that I’m still so insecure? How is it that I’m still so ashamed of myself? How is it that I still feel all alone in a world filled with people? Sometimes I feel like people don’t get me, sometimes I feel like I’m so superficial I’m not me anymore. I want to tell someone and have that sort of relationship with another person where it’s just you and your crazy, and it’s perfectly normal.
I want to be that girl with simple dreams and hopes with a big heart and a big smile. I want to dance in the street and sing outside my head. I want the sea breeze in my hair, the salty smell all around with my feet in the soft, wet sand. I want to paint and listen to the music of my choice – as loud as permitted. I want to be happy. I want to tell people my deepest fears without being judged. I want to tell my best friend my secrets in silence. I want to cry in peace and laugh when I feel like it for no reason at all. I want to love and be free and give everything of me to someone else without feeling like I’m not appreciated. I want to be stupid without being scared. I want to be someone’s go-to person with pride. I want to be perfectly imperfect. I want to learn and study, study and learn. I want to cook for people everyday without being used. I want to try new things within my sanity. I want to walk and walk and walk; by myself with my headphones, with my friends and their stories, with the person I love and entwined fingers. I want to travel to less exotic places and see exotic things. I want to be a great doctor, and if that doesn’t work out, I want to be a good doctor. I want to be able to play the drums with my eyes closed. I want to ride my own bike. I want to fall without bruises on my knees. I want to be enough for myself, for my parents, for my friends.
Someone significant told me I was in love 11 years ago. 11 years ago. It was a long time ago. A time when people hadn’t broken me, sarcasm hadn’t taken over my life and I was open to new things. Now just thinking that I might be still in love with that person scares me more than settling me. How can I still be in love with that person when I can’t even love myself? What if I’m just breaking my heart everyday for someone who only wants to see me cry? What if I can’t progress further than that foolish beginning of a relationship without the feeling of panic and suffocation overcoming me? How can he know for sure that I was in love when I couldn’t see it myself? Why am I still stuck at the crossroad of yes and no? What if this is just not the right time, and the right person will come at the wrong time? What if I never get married or have children? What if I do? Will I be me? Will I know me? Am I doing what I really love? Do I really want to be a doctor? Am I going to be happy doing this? Is this the life I envisioned for myself, or am I just running away as usual? What if I’m actually a Jack of All Trades, Master of None? When will all these questionable insecurities stop?
I want to be dependent with the choice of independence. I want someone to take care of me instead of me always being the one taking care of others. I want to dream of the possible and maybe the impossible. I want my self esteem to not crash every time someone says I’m not good enough. I want my skin to be thick so that even the slightest harsh words will bounce back without me flinching in pain. I want to be hard but soft. I want to stand up for what I believe in yet learn to compromise on things I can’t change. And most of all, I want to not be angry. I want to smile because I’m actually happy.
You bring out the worst in me, parts I hate. You hit my self-esteem like a giant wave and make me tremendously insecure. We just seem to be going round in circles of you ignore me and I devise plots to hurt you in my head. Yet, I would never want you to not be a part of my life. Sometimes I wonder why is it that I have much more to lose and how you could (pretend to) be so heartless, and disregard this without a second thought! I know that my issues and your issues, what ever they are, are the most incompatible. However, after the lightning storm has cleared out, it doesn’t matter to me. Because I love you, as a friend or whatever, and I’ll take what you throw my way, even if it’s daily weather reports. I trust you with my life, even if you don’t trust me with yours. I wish it wouldn’t bother me so much. Anyways, you can keep your wall and I’ll go dig a hole for my binoculars. I want to know, but not from anyone else but you. So whenever, even if it’s never.
Sometimes it hits like a car crash; And it’s to late to reverse
Sometimes you make me a better person; Sometimes you bring out the worst
Sometimes we get on like fire; Sometimes we’re stubborn like rain
Just when I think it’s over, over; You wave a white flag again
We fall out and then we fall back in; We’re always back where we begin…
Sometimes we’re trapped in the circle; ‘Til we’re digging holes in the ground
We’re trying, but nothing is working; But still I want you around
‘Cause if I’m lost in the desert; I know somehow you’ll find me
And if I drown in the oceans; You’ll be the first to rescue me…
Everybody hurts just a little too much; Everybody hurts but it’s never enough
It’s wonderful to fall; Let’s love and risk it all
Even if it hurts just a little too much; I’d rather love just a little too much…
I don’t think there has ever been a song written to describe our dangerously volatile relationship as close as this. After all these years, I wouldn’t have it any other way.