You say it takes 20 minutes for your brain to tell your stomach that it’s full. How long does it take to tell your heart to stop falling in love?
People say you aren’t worthy enough, but for me, I don’t deserve you. They ask me, why you? I don’t have an answer that would satisfy them; the only thing I can say is that you are all I need, all I dream and all I want. Mom says that I don’t want to find someone to marry because I already love someone. She’s right and wrong at the same time; she thinks it’s my boyfriend, but how can I tell her it’s you? I don’t want anyone but you, a person that doesn’t need me.
You standing there in the courtyard, my very first day, just standing, it’s like I’d see you before, I knew who you were. I knew you’d be trouble for me, and now look where I am, my heart breaking everyday just thinking about far away I am from you. I want to be near you, hear your voice on the telephone, and see you safe with my own eyes, see that smile; but I also want to stay far away from you because I know how desperately I want to touch your hand, your face, and how hard I try to control myself. Years have gone by, years and years. I’ve tried to block you out, keep my heart occupied, yet you always seem to find a way to creep back in. Yes, you’re right when you say that you aren’t perfect, however you are perfect to me. All those stupid things from the past are lost in those long gone years.
I don’t know everything about you, and I don’t care. What I do know is enough. When you love, you love with all your heart, no boundaries. You are stubborn, beyond reasonable measure. You are selfless, but you don’t show it. You are a good man, no matter what others say. You hold high standards to yourself and those around you. You work hard and play hard. Everything you have, you deserve. You have an enormous sweet tooth that I can match. You are tall, dark and handsome. You have verbal diarrhea, which is so rare. You are opinionated to the point of annoyance. You always have something to say. You have a beautiful smile that reaches all the way to your eyes. Most of all, as you said, you’re always there for me and I can let myself fall.
I miss your face. I miss your voice. I miss your laughter. I miss your crisp white shirts. I miss your lectures. I miss your mint popping. I miss your food talks. I miss your funny faces. I miss your ugly ties. I miss your boundaries. I miss your car. I miss you making fun of me. I miss your big feet. I miss you accusing me. I miss your distrust of me. I miss you.
Why am I torturing myself? I know I must give you up. I don’t know if I can live without you in my life, I don’t even want to try. Whenever I’m lonely, I think of you. Whenever I’m happy, I think of you. Whenever anything, I think of you. I want to tell you everything, my mistakes, my achievements, my stupidity, my insanity, my issues, without you judging me. I don’t want to cross the line and lose you. It’s too painful. I wish I could tell you these things to your face. I wish I had that courage. I wish I didn’t have a past full of mistakes. I wish I could give you the amount of happiness you give me. I wish I could bring down that wall around your heart. I wish I could have you forever. I wish I could wish upon a shooting star. I wish.
Maybe if I were taller. Maybe if I wore a scarf. Maybe if I were more conservative. Maybe if I were special. Maybe if I were not evil. Maybe if you were my first. Maybe if I didn’t turn you down years ago. Maybe if I told you to your face. Maybe if I weren’t such a coward. Maybe I don’t deserve you. Maybe I’m meant to be alone. Maybe I’m just meant to dream. Dream of you and me, and our kids with your smile, and our home filled with love and chatter and too many sugary things. Maybe I’m just meant to dream.
P.S. If you do get around to reading this, which I hope you won’t, I will deny everything. This is my secret I share with the world, a secret I don’t want you to know, but in the depths of my heart where hope lies eternal, I hope these words will change something. Then again, I know it won’t. Will it?