Tag Archives: heartache

Fade Into Darkness

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When he asked I was scared, I knew I didn’t want anyone less in my life who wouldn’t go on to become my husband. But I had to try, I wouldn’t get a second chance, yet I didn’t want to either. I was so afraid. So I called someone for advice and he said that I had to try, that I’d never know until I did. I put my fear away and said yes. He was mine. I could officially call him mine. I was weary though, good things don’t happen to me so easily. The ecstasy of it overrode the negativity in my mind. I was so so happy, I had hope. He let me in to parts of his life, but he kept me out of the others. I didn’t want that, I wanted everything – the good, bad and the downright ugly. I hoped he’d come around, I had time I said to myself and time is what it’ll take. I didn’t push. I just sat there in my happy bubble. And happy was what I was. Happy arguing, happy smiling, happy laughing, happy living life. He made me feel safe. He pushed me to look beyond the pettiness, to grow to be the better person. I love him for the little things, because he wasn’t anything spectacularly large. He was an abundance of small victories rolled up together – every one of which he deserved, which he worked hard for. I believe in him and his greatness, his strive, his dreams. I could not have been blessed in my life with someone better than him. Then I lost him. I lost him to himself. I lost him to his need to protect me from himself than show me himself. I lost him before he even knew he was going. And I think that was the worst, knowing that someone is going before even they know – waiting quietly for them to realize they are already out the door. It broke my heart, yet I will always love him beyond myself, because he is worthy of it. He may not realize it, but I said I’d take this pain, this hurt, this heartache so that he wouldn’t have to, and I will – he is worth it. I just wasn’t lucky enough to have him for the time I had hoped. Luck was never on my side anyways. I miss him everyday; but in the days I had, I loved him like I was going to lose him. We could have been better than what we were, we were just two different people; cautious of different pain. He will always be the better part of me, I hope somewhere I’ll be the better part of him.

You’ll always be my favorite “what if”, but I’m sticking with “what is”. -Lang Leav

We lose people in our lives everyday. The age-old saying that time heals everything, is just words of comfort. Time doesn’t heal anything, the only thing that time does is blur the memories you are fighting to hold on to. Life goes on, you get up and force yourself to keep moving – that time and life wait for no one; soon enough it becomes habit. We are nothing but creatures of habit. But our minds, they don’t stay quiet, our minds are loud. They scream and wail, but our lips are quiet because we can’t change our loss, we can only bear them. We can only hope to silence our minds by distraction, that usually works on good days. No one really recovers from loss.

The only certainty in this life is death.

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Yes death, not just physical death – but death of life, death of friendship, death of love, death of happiness, death of joy, death of dreams, death of spirituality, death of humanity. How does one look past that? How does one recover?

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Settle for Less

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You didn’t agree to us,
my heart shattered
and tears flowed effortlessly,
but I woke peaceful
with the rise of the succeeding sun
and understood that
I was not ready to settle for less.

Why I wrote this:
I didn’t ask him to date me, I told him that I’d marry him if he’d have me – over text. I’m not brave. He is the greatest inspiration of my life, however I’m an inspiration on my own.

Super Human

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Somewhere in our life we meet someone who has so much gravitational pull that we are attracted to them with so much force that it’s much easier to give in than to fight it. And once we are sucked in, it’s even more difficult to get out.

It’s true what they say – “It hurts when the one you love, doesn’t love you back”. I know it’s true. The worst thing about emotions is that you can’t run away from them. No matter how much you suppress them, no matter how much you distract yourself, it will find a way to creep up on you.

You keep saying to yourself – “we’ll just be friends”, but you know in your heart that every time you think about that person, it’s not friendship that you are thinking about. By then you are in so deep, that you can’t even see the sunshine anymore.

Attraction is deadly. It suffocates you and fills your head with fantasies. You begin to care, and care, and care, and care like it’s an obsession. A dangerous one at that. Once you realize that you need space before you go crazy, it’s too late. You regret giving your heart, your trust, your everything.

You can’t be in that persons company either because you can’t stand to see that person with someone else or because they overwhelm you beyond your control. You want to be set free, and stop playing this game where your heart and mind are at war.

Only you can do that. Only you can set yourself free. I know the right way is to just stop. Stop being friends, stop talking, stop looking, stop thinking. Trust me, it’s harder done than said. I’ve been telling myself this for years. But I haven’t given up hope yet. One day I know I’ll be free.

I’ll be free from those fantasies in my head and be living in the present. I’ll be free from this conflict in my heart that’s taking over my life. I’ll be free from torturing myself and loving someone that only brings me heartache and tears than I care to admit.

It’s hard; in fact it’s like sucking all the oxygen out of your air. But I’ll make it through. Slowly and surely. The media says we have soul mates, all those music videos, all those movies, all those serials; but I stopped believing that a while ago. Actually, I stopped believing in their version of soul mates.

A close friend of mine reopened my eyes to the true meaning of soul mates. It’s not someone who was predetermined for you. Instead, it’s a person you can’t live without, and who equally can’t live without you – an understanding and commitment between two people.

Thus, if someone you love can live without you, that person already isn’t meant to be with you until death do you apart. I think there are lots of people we can get along with, and there are some people that we definitely can’t get along with, sometimes right from the start, sometimes in between.

We all deserve to be loved. Why would we want to live a life without that by choice? Or in hope that the one we love will love us back – when we can always find someone who we love and who will love us back too. I’m sure I’ll find someone and you will too. It’s a small world after all.

Being in love is a wonderful feeling, until it’s not. Couples fight, that’s normal, and they still stay together because the love is there. Else it’ll breakdown before you can even blink your eye. Love is not easy, but it’s not difficult either.

Give yourself a chance to feel the freedom that love can offer you, and the strength, the courage, the peace. It’s difficult to let go, but it’s not worth holding on to the pain. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go.

Strength To Smile

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Dear friend, how can I explain…?
I see the pain in your eyes,
but I’m glad you have your better days
when the light shines brighter than usual.
I know you are thinking of her,
of her eyes, of the things that make your heart warm
in every breath that you take.
I hear the silent plea that your soul makes
for it all to be the same as it was,
to turn back time and rewrite history.
I understand how hard it is to smile,
when all you feel is emptiness, but smile anyways.
The pain shall fade with it.
Don’t give up hope,
take the extended hand, shoulder, ear
and don’t let go until you feel stronger.
Trust. Dream. Live.
The world is indeed a beautiful place.
Beauty comes in the roses, along with the thorns,
in the small miracles that come by everyday.
We are knocking on closed doors,
open them and let us in,
to help you find the strength to smile..