Tag Archives: friendship

2017 – Welcome

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Dear World,

2017 could not have come any sooner. 2016 ahhh, was not a year of firsts anymore. It was a year that I wanted over from the moment it started and now it’s gone. Thank the heavens for that!

2016 was a year that I traveled outside the UK into Europe and Africa for the first time ever. Those were exciting days. I soaked myself in those moments, but deep down, my heart was in a dark place. My heart remained in a dark place and dragged my head down with it. Every time I took a breath out a small part of my soul left with it. So last year, I had no power to stop myself, I just let myself grieve. And I must say that I’m so very very grateful for my friends, new and old – my family that keeps growing; for pulling me through. It was a year where I had to make a difficult career choice so that I could go on to achieve my 5 year goals.
It was also a year where some of the loveliest couples I knew got married, and I wish them a world of happiness through all the hardship they took to get there. I couldn’t be more excited for you!

I’m ready for this year. To get on with things head strong, to travel with my heart free, to look forward instead of looking back, to focusing on what is instead of what if. The year I can finally begin again, awaken my dead bones, and restart my heartbeat. I hope this year will be our saving grace where we get in touch with ourselves and regain our humanity. Let us not forget those who need us, stuck in situations beyond their control, in poverty and war-striken regions around the world. May we all hope to make a small difference in our lifetimes.

I shall leave you with that and some lovely words from Ms Leav.

With love, always,
K

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And It All Falls Down

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I hope the memoirs in your box have gotten rusty,
while the memories in my mind remain vibrant;
filled with hello goodbyes, joy and eternal highs.

As the time has now come to an end,
we have gone from strangers to friends and back, a complete circle of life;
once doused in color, all burnt out.

The air has gotten thicker and the oxygen concentration
has dropped since you walked away;
making it harder to breathe, but it won’t conquer me.

It’s not that I ever wanted to live without you,
I just had no say in it;
please remain safe junkie, may the world always be your oyster.

The distance grows yet the world gets smaller,
and while the jagged dagger causes chaos in my heart;
I wish you peace in yours and the infinite silence of demons.

May you forever live buried in the depths of my being,
as the light in your eyes, your quirky smile and fierce heart;
resonates through me.

To us, to yesterday, to never after.

And it’s 2016…

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Dear loved ones,

It’s the dawn of a new year. And as every new year starts I’d like to reflect on the past year just a little bit.

2015 was overall a great year! It started off with friends I hadn’t seen in a long time and having them around gave my heart so much peace. It was the year where I started my first job and got my first salary. It was a year of many firsts in that aspect. I gave my first qurban, I lost my first baby (at work, not my own), I traveled with my own money, I sorted out my taxes, I used my amazon account, etc etc. Small but big victories none-the-less.

It was a year where friendships were strengthened. Where those who were there for me shined through my darkest days. It was a year where I got way too many birthday gifts. I’m not complaining. And I’ve now got a wall of cards.

A year of travel which will hopefully pass onto the new year. Big whoop for all of you who hosted me and who I hosted. Hope to see you again 😀

2015 was also a year I lost someone close to me. And being honest, it still very much feels like a huge hole in my life. It’s an ache that refuses to go away or be ignored. It has also been a year where I’ve appreciated my mother a lot for her support.

But it was a year of beautiful beautiful memories and daily inspiration in random places – so I say thank you to everyone for being with me this year. For the love, the friendship, the closeness, the wisdom and very much for believing in me when I lost sight of myself.

And I’ll leave you with these words I found this morning

Real love is neither kind nor gentle, and does not award itself to the cowardly or the meek. Love is beholden only to the brave and the bold. Those who are prepared to break bone and bleed for it, to go on fighting without reason or hope.

~Beau Taplin

Love, always
K

#MyDecember

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It’s that time of year
#winter #confidence #freedom #memories #happydays #coldnosewarmheart

 

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Look what I found
#cleaningoutmywallet #onepoundandfiftypence #nothatsnotright #missingnationalday #wheresmydirhamsat

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‘Tis the season of giving
#giftsforeveryone #signedsealeddelivered #whowantsone #onetimeofferonly

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We got lights up
#fairylights #rainynights

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Saturday’s big breakfast
#thebreakfastclub #vegetarian #smokedsalmon #pancakesalldayeveryday #yesplease

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It’s the circle of life
#thelionking #ifinallymadeit #hakunamatata #reddressredlips

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What is a birthday without pizza?
#Goodfellas #chocolatebrowniepizza #thatswherethemoneyis #giveittomebaby #whitechocolatedarkchocolate

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Just like we celebrate births, we acknowledge the departed – may she be with those she loves #gonesixyears #makedua #misshereveryday #doingthingsherway #inspiration

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Hello Mr. Snowman
#imreadyforyou #nomnom #chocolatetoeatchocolatetodrink

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Sparkling away
#christmasball #foodfoodfood #dancing#funtimes #ladieswithclassandsass

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All in a weeks work
#gifts #spectrumoflife #colormehappy #wheremychocolatesat

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All wrapped up
#christmasforeveryone #jobwelldone #sobroke #holidaycheer

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Nothing like a hot mug of love
#winterwarmer #coffeelover #nescafe #limitededition #winterfavorites

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We’ve got jungle laces
#junglelaces #givemesomeheight #livingincolors #HODshocktime

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The million dollar prize
#raffleatwork #ohdearmeitsfrozen #whyohwhy #annaoverelsa #lettingitgo

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Let’s always pray for those we lost
#rememberance #littleones #everywhere #everyday #hellonearth

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Better late than never
#finallycame #fruitcakeandtea #yesplease #meandB #lovefrom @misskayes

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Holidaying in London
#somersethouse #iceskatingrink #ohchristmastree #lightscoloraction #siblingtime

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Feeling the love
#thegoodlife #mybro #mybae #heartfeeleasyandhappy #keepthemcoming #imjustkidding

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Star Wars and he
#siblingtime #homemade #berrytart #teamskywalker #teaglorioustea

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December is not a time to let hopes go
#iwrotethisforyou #nevergiveup #lovealways

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Togetherness
#arroganceofloneliness #iwrotethisforyou #holdinghands #winternights

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Where it all started
#timeswithbaggage #hbd #lovealways #lolascupcakes #whereisourforever #tiramisu #yourfavorite

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Getting on Santa’s good books
#alwaysnicenevernaughty #cookiesandmilk #santabetterlikechocolate

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Cake bombs
#merrychristmas #thecakenest #sopretty #hollyeverywhere

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500s for the win
#onepuzzleaday #only500pieces #anightswork #london #venice #austria #italy #pushingmybuttons

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Actually happy
#loveactually #happymummy #hbdmom #matherdarling #yesteryear

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Hands up to The Nutcracker
#stdavidshall #therussianballet #winterwonders

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Pigging on mums candy stash
 #lastfewdays #keptsomeformyself #qualitystreet #mygreenbar #slightyracial

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Looks like nothing much has changed over the decades
#milkfedmen #ticklemepink #thecolorpurple #linesfromabook #agreetodisagree

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The things you find at
#primark #mydecember #peptalkfrommum #newyearseve #goodbye2015 #whereswaldo #goodman

Fade Into Darkness

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When he asked I was scared, I knew I didn’t want anyone less in my life who wouldn’t go on to become my husband. But I had to try, I wouldn’t get a second chance, yet I didn’t want to either. I was so afraid. So I called someone for advice and he said that I had to try, that I’d never know until I did. I put my fear away and said yes. He was mine. I could officially call him mine. I was weary though, good things don’t happen to me so easily. The ecstasy of it overrode the negativity in my mind. I was so so happy, I had hope. He let me in to parts of his life, but he kept me out of the others. I didn’t want that, I wanted everything – the good, bad and the downright ugly. I hoped he’d come around, I had time I said to myself and time is what it’ll take. I didn’t push. I just sat there in my happy bubble. And happy was what I was. Happy arguing, happy smiling, happy laughing, happy living life. He made me feel safe. He pushed me to look beyond the pettiness, to grow to be the better person. I love him for the little things, because he wasn’t anything spectacularly large. He was an abundance of small victories rolled up together – every one of which he deserved, which he worked hard for. I believe in him and his greatness, his strive, his dreams. I could not have been blessed in my life with someone better than him. Then I lost him. I lost him to himself. I lost him to his need to protect me from himself than show me himself. I lost him before he even knew he was going. And I think that was the worst, knowing that someone is going before even they know – waiting quietly for them to realize they are already out the door. It broke my heart, yet I will always love him beyond myself, because he is worthy of it. He may not realize it, but I said I’d take this pain, this hurt, this heartache so that he wouldn’t have to, and I will – he is worth it. I just wasn’t lucky enough to have him for the time I had hoped. Luck was never on my side anyways. I miss him everyday; but in the days I had, I loved him like I was going to lose him. We could have been better than what we were, we were just two different people; cautious of different pain. He will always be the better part of me, I hope somewhere I’ll be the better part of him.

You’ll always be my favorite “what if”, but I’m sticking with “what is”. -Lang Leav

We lose people in our lives everyday. The age-old saying that time heals everything, is just words of comfort. Time doesn’t heal anything, the only thing that time does is blur the memories you are fighting to hold on to. Life goes on, you get up and force yourself to keep moving – that time and life wait for no one; soon enough it becomes habit. We are nothing but creatures of habit. But our minds, they don’t stay quiet, our minds are loud. They scream and wail, but our lips are quiet because we can’t change our loss, we can only bear them. We can only hope to silence our minds by distraction, that usually works on good days. No one really recovers from loss.

The only certainty in this life is death.

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Yes death, not just physical death – but death of life, death of friendship, death of love, death of happiness, death of joy, death of dreams, death of spirituality, death of humanity. How does one look past that? How does one recover?

Remnants of a Wreckage

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It’s not really something I know how to put down in words. It’s not a broken heart truly, it’s a solid kick in the gut. That’s what it feels like – something that takes the air right out of you, not just because of the pain, but for that moment you lose the will to breathe. You see it coming but nothing can honestly prepare you for that blow.

It’s not the loss of a loved one, or a friend; it’s losing your person. All your friends can be there for you and make you feel like you are on top of the world, but on a legally bad day, there is only one person you go to. That person can’t fix anything but they make you feel safe, they feel what you feel. That’s all we really want in life; to be understood. That person takes the brunt of your existence, all the ups and downs and idiocy in between. And when that person is gone, you don’t really know what to do anymore. All the small meaningless things that you used to remember to share get lost in the crossfire of neurons, buried in a pile of ‘things only you’d understand, but you aren’t here anymore’. All the big things, you can handle that. You get up, you go about life, you keep dreaming and you keep moving forward. But life isn’t about the big things. It’s always been about the small little things – a song on the radio, a hadith someone shared, a smile from a baby, a random conversation with a stranger, a long day at the office, a sale in your favorite store. Maybe it had no significance to them and maybe I wasn’t their go to person, but here is where my selfishness comes out. They were mine and to me, that’s all that matters.

Though I love them to pieces, it’s not not about redirecting that love. It’s a literal hole in your life, a void you don’t know how to fill, a silence that is unwanted. I’m fine. All I am is a little lost, aren’t we all at some time or the other? But I’ll find my way. I just don’t know what to do with that loss. I’ll figure it out. I know I will. I have to be okay, for them to be okay. And I will be because I care so damn much. That will never change.

So here’s a piece of advice: Make the most of your friendship, especially the ones who fill up the spaces in your heart. Make time, keep in touch. Nothing lasts forever, and you never really know what you’ve lost till it’s gone.

La tristesse durera toujours