The air is filled with all my neurosis
at losing the people most precious.
These demons just won’t let it rest,
whispering to the right, again on the left.
The dates have changed with time
since way back in twenty-oh-nine.
But how can I forget as time flies by?
It’s another year without them alive.
The people who made me feel so much life,
like strangers fading away without a fight.
I can’t keep losing them like this,
let me not be attached – I wish.
Having said that,
can I please have them all back?
I have to start with this because it really is the most amazing thing. There’s a website where u type in the emotion your currently feeling and it gives you a Surah/Ayat that correlates with it and I think that’s just beautiful. www.Sujood.co
Didn’t really travel anywhere. Made a small trip to Birmingham for a radiology conference, which is something my heart always needs. Definitely loved their Christmas market. It was proper German and I had my jalapeno poppers – worth getting excited over. I also met a friend after almost 10 years. Awh! It was good catching up about college over cake and then rushing off. Handmade chocolate and homemade cake, hot chocolate and garlic bread, german cookies and stollen.
I just want to put it out there and say thanks to everyone who didn’t discriminate the Muslims after the Paris attack. I personally appreciate it. It’s sad the number of innocent lives lost in the name of misdirected and ignorant Jihad.
My brother did some charity work – I think it’s because he was too lazy to shave, but I’ll take it. I’m proud of him! 😀
My cousin suggested a song for my #WeekendJam. I literally lolled – I didn’t know they were catching on. Made my day.
I didn’t do any baking. November was a quiet month. But I do want to leave you with one of the most beautiful sunrises I’ve seen for a while.
The month of ghosts and ghouls surely didn’t disappoint. It started off with a little of traveling to the city of Robin Hood and my usual adventures of getting lost because I still can’t tell right from left. Nottingham is a beautiful city and if I could I’d definitely live there. It goes as #2 on my list – Edinburgh will always remain #1. I’ll tell you why. It’s a complete red brick city. I love it. It’s got it’s culture and arts and outdoorsy stuff, the full package. Beautiful stuff. Met up with the lovely Ashley who homed me for 2 days. It was brilliant seeing her after a year, give or take a few days. It was good to walk and talk and chill and watch rugby! Hahahaha!!! I’ve put some pictures below. Nottingham as some great places to see.. The open deer park and Wollerton Hall, the sky mirror (literally), all those red brick homes, an honest to God functioning windmill from the 50s (?) – I was definitely in aww.. Forget Sherwood forest. Didn’t have time to make it up there. It add the whipped cream, it’s a city built on top of an entire tunnel of underground of caves! The cherry – has a wide array of cafes with the quirkiest names ❤
Oct was definitely a month filled with a lot of not soul searching but dwelling into myself to find all my strength as I pieced myself together with all the things happening in my life, work included. The sick kids were breaking my heart and I just wanted to send all of them home.
Plan in decades. Think in years. Work in months. Live in days. – Matador
I had a lot of great lines going through my mind and produced some decent poetry which I’m relatively proud of. You can check that out on the rest of my site.
It was also #RWC2015. #AllBlack #AllBlacks #AllBlacks. They did deserve to win. The way they ran, those passes, the tries and conversions. Booyah baby! Let’s all do the haka 😀
I’m just glad that I wasn’t left to my own devices this month. Lots of traveling, lots of walks and nature and just breathers. I needed all of it. Had lunch with my previous house mates. 3 girls walked into a pub (lol-sorry there is no joke here), and I of course ordered all-day breakfast because why would you order anything else if you had that option in the menu?! Hahahaahaha. Felt like a rolypoly balloon after that.
Made it up to Merthyr and further up the Brecon to Pen Y Fan smoothly with Leah-man huffing and puffing, moaning and groaning next to me. It was COLD! But it was great. And it’s true what they say – mountain breeze sounds the same as sea waves. The photos at the bottom are from the Taff trail – definitely a good walk. And then cutting through the cemetery to get home. May they rest in peace!
Alhamdulillah I had a lot of chances to travel and be around people this month. Went down to Exeter again this month to meet Deeps and she managed to get Rajiv and Sandeep to come down from Huntingdon as well. It was just good for my heart really. We set off to Dartmoor National Park and obviously went walking and got lost and crossed barbed wires and climbed steep hills, but we got there eventually. Made a quick stop to Plymouth for food and some sunshine and then stocked up on a load of snacks to settle down and play hours of CardsAgainstHumanity and Buzzerwizzer which was just downright hilarious that we didn’t even notice the clock turn back. The next day we went back to Dartmoor visiting a different site – the waterfalls and streams. It was sunny this time and the sound of the raging water sort of brought a sense of calm over me. Might have been the chance to have Devon made ice cream, yummy in the tumtum. The weekend ended with Chinese food – like the good stuff!!! ❤
See, we live in a world of false perfection, and layered masks. A world of people so afraid to let themselves be seen, as they are. People so afraid to love completely, and even more afraid to let themselves be loved. Because deep down they’re ashamed of their broken parts. Deep down they think they’re not enough. They think they’re not worthy. But if you have the courage to be seen and loved–just as you are–you will discover something amazing: You *are* enough.
Went for my monthly dose of radiology, met some lovely people. Had some heartbreaking news, but can’t be helped. Will just have to sit and sort out. But I’ve come so far. I can do this. Brilliant minds, loved the interaction. Keeps me on the right track.
I think that’s it for this month. Oh I did do some baking – banana poppyseed chocolate truffle cake. It was so good that it vanished. And chocolate fudge cake – mega drool. Sorry I don’t have pictures of them. They really did disappear so fast.
Ed Sheeran – Drunk (that’s all I’ve got)
I didn’t like this month much, but I still had some decent moments. The month started down in the dumps, so I guess you can’t really go anywhere but up from the ground.
Maybe she needed someone to show her how to live and
he needed someone to show him how to love. ~N.R. Hart
I have an intense love for the sea, it’s my safe place – always puts my life in perspective. I love coastal walks, one of the absolute amazing things in this world. Mountain walks don’t even come close. And I’ve got a bestie who understands exactly what that means. Then I found this: “It made her feel small, but free as well.” ~George R.R. Martin
Dhul Hijjah came and went. I like to think I made the most of it, InshaAllah. Slaughtered my first sheep, well I didn’t do it with my bare hands, but I dealt with it. My flatmate and I made food and celebrated a quiet Eid this time around.
My favorite new-age comic – Heart and Brain released it’s first book which I’ve booked as a birthday present. If you don’t know about it, you should – it’s absolutely brilliant.
Actually finished reading a novel after years! Back to medical books now…
Rekindled my friendship with the lovely Mubs who I’ve kinda missed in this odd little place in my life and it was kinda nice Skyping and catching up her highness.
Supporting New Zealand (and Wales) for the Rugby World Cup – it will be a lovely final for sure, with UK over-run with all nationalities.
My brother celebrated his 25th birthday in INDIA! Good on him for actually traveling and doing something different for a change. So proud 😀
To her, if there was nothing to fix, there was nothing to love.
I didn’t travel anywhere this month, so I don’t have any travel photos, but I ended this month in the radiology department which is what I love and I finally figured out why. It’s like spot the difference, put the puzzle together, being an undercover Sherlock Holmes.
Officially started my first ever job. It’s been a crazy month handling ICU long shifts, nights shifts, high-dependency, nursery and postnates. Lot more protocol than anything else – but I’m getting used to it. Some its and bits are stuck onto my mind, that helps. I did my first ever Cranial USS supervised of course and it was lovely. Also did my first shift alone, wasn’t too bad – but I’ve gotta work on my timing. It’s been the month of twins. Got bundles and bundles of them. Also got in my first baby cannula in after several failed attempts. It’s been a month of small victories. I’m all for them and hopefully many more.
Your soul that intoxicates me
day and night,
is also my life force.
Without your life in my life
I am nothing;
just as without me – you are nothing.
I made a trip down to the Gower, it rained the entirety of one day and the next was beautiful. Hope you love the the pictures as much as I did taking them. I did some crazy walks over there and I’m sorta still recovering from them. I’ve managed to pull a muscle and that is yet to go back to normal. It was a beautiful experience. I stayed with this lovely convert and her daughter had come in over the weekend as well. It was just beautiful to see how different people embrace Islam – so humbly, very reflective. May Allah continue to grant them Mercy!
Just a footnote – they have this sick milkshake only hole-in-the-wall called The Mad Cow. I definitely recommend it. You pick your size you pick your flavor you pick your topping (that’s optional) and you get this wonderful concoction. I had Ferrero Rocher and Reese’s peanut butter cups – too much sugar I almost gave myself diabetes – side warning. 🙂
Celebrated my half birthday with my lovely other half – misskayes with a transcontinental coffee date at our favorite coffee shop – Caribou’s (well the Caribou equivalent here – Hi! Coffee) because they do mean mochas. And she had a quiche – for total pun. Might just start a half birthday tradition like this. ❤
There’s something about you, something so wonderfully wicked and terribly sexy. ~Michael Faudet
Ramadan started. It’s been peaceful. Alhamdulillah. It usually is quite turmoil, but this time I’ve got a lot to be grateful for. Additionally you do find inspiration in strange places. Chumma sent me this lovely photo quote about asking Allah to forgive me not to give me – and in all fairness, as humans with our nature to sin, what better time to just sit and humbly ask for forgiveness and turning of hearts and strengthening of faith?! InshaAllah may our Ummah benefit greatly from this month and take a step towards unity. Ameen.
My cousin and cousin got married (on paper) – MashaAllah! May this union be blessed with happiness.
I did so some baking – I finally tried the Mexican Chocoflan. Didn’t look as great as Tas’s – but did taste quite amazing. Don’t know why I hadn’t tried it out earlier. Quite a shame.
Last but not the least, Misskayes has been going through some tsunamis of her own – something for her from her fav writer/poet:
Music – just got hooked on Demi Lovato’s album and haven’t progressed much from there really!
I’m not that kind of girl who stays in one place for too long. Wanderlust flows in my blood. I have no qualms about packing up and leaving people behind. I’m someone who still hasn’t found home – commonly described as a person or a place you always come back to. There are random moments that I miss the people in my life and wish they were there wherever I was to share a particular moment with me, but they aren’t too frequent and the thoughts often disappear as quickly as they come. Someone would say that’s selfish of me, however I’d like to just think that I’ve met a lot of people but never that one person who — to quote “understands the dustiest parts of my soul”.
I’m not that kind of girl who lets people in easily. I take my time, I test the waters, sometimes that could go on for years. There are people scattered all around the world who I get excited over to the point of not being able to sleep, planning up elaborate day trips, menus and occasionally jumping up and down the house. It’s still not the same as opening yourself up fully to people who won’t judge you, who will reply to your messages even after days, who don’t mind your stupid shit, who understand you when you don’t even understand yourself, who are direct, open and will tell you straight to your face to just “get over yourself.”
I’m not that kind of girl who is “prim and proper”. I’m awkward around new people. I’m always in for a road trip. I hate being in photographs. I love coffee shops and cake and music I can sing along to. I say what’s on my mind, most of the time, it’s not appropriate. I could break out into dance anywhere. I don’t like being fussed about. I like my personal space. I laugh too loud, and I don’t care. I don’t follow fashion magazines, I have my own style. I fall over my shoelaces. I bump into the walls and doors when I walk. I show people how much I love them through food. I do million subtle small things. The small things in life are the most beautiful. I’m just one of them.
I’m not that kind of girl who misses people when she moves around. I pick myself up and I move forward. I never look back. I’m my own adventure. And I was going to be okay about this move, like I have been about the past 15 moves. But you are down right killing me. I’m actually having doubts. There was nothing left for me here, I wasn’t up for making new friends, but somehow you just snaked your way into my heart and soul. My head goes “yes, you too? brilliant.” I love no judgment. I love the raised eyebrows. I love how you still don’t know whether to believe what I’m saying. I love the love of food. Most of all – I love the love of laughter, dramatics, and talk of the good ‘ol days.
I’m not that kind of girl who opens up her personal space that often. I don’t do so well with getting hugs as I do with giving them out. But for yours, I’m making an exception. Please remember to virtually send one of those “hugs so tight, you can’t breathe” when I’m in need.
I tell myself I don’t care that much, But I feel like I die ’til I feel your touch.
Only love, only love can hurt like this, Must have been a deadly kiss.
~Paloma Faith, Only Love Can Hurt Like This
“Play with them for seven [years], teach them manners for seven [years], and let them enjoy your companionship for seven [years].”
–Umar ibn al-Khattab (RA)
Wonderful eye-opener into parenting here.
December repeatedly makes me very sentimental. Maybe it’s time to reflect on the most monumental part of my year. Maybe I was running away, maybe I just needed a break from the reality of my life, into another dimension. But my life did a little more than change when I took that trip.
Being the most socially-awkward person that I am, my first day at the office was filled with anxiety. But 2 of the best things happened to me during those 3 months – Surovi and Eddie. Let me just interject here and quickly mention that I’m very skeptical about girl friends. My closest and best friends have always been boys. Surovi, changed my life, okay maybe she didn’t full on change my life, but she gave me a new pair of glasses to see through. I love her free-spirit and feminism. What I love the most is how she just says it, there is no such thing as an elephant in the room with her. There’s just none of that Sri Lankan frivolousness. She can dish out the best advice at one moment and be giggling like a teenager the next. She has travelled. She has read. She’s a foodie. She’s cultured. She’s passionate. She’s opinionated. And then there’s Eddie, who I know like the back of my hand because she’s me – 4 years ago. She sings. She plays the piano. She has faith. She reads. She’s a nerd. She writes. She’s artsy. She really is my soul sister. I don’t even have to tell her – we get excited over the same things, we get irritated over the same things, we have the same level of tolerance and we are always always always thinking the same thing.
Khav is of course the prettiest thing ever, and if I had to ever let anyone near me with an eyeliner, it would be her! It downright warmed my sob-story heart when she called me her sister… Panch, oh Panch, my friends think I make the oddest faces, they clearly haven’t met you. You are awesome, you tree-hugging terrorist!
Another blessing was Sheva. If my parents ever wanted to adopt me another younger brother, I would totally pick you. I love your company. You are too wise for your age, too learnt, too eager, too busy, too calm, too giving, and most of all too amazing. Adeh, thank you for walking into my life. I miss seeing you everyday, I miss talking to you!
Like every family, my family has it’s fair share of problems, which meant my world was limited. There were people who I didn’t know existed! The past 5 months changed that. My family grew. The gap that seemed so big years ago, actually wasn’t anymore. These kids have grown up – we actually have things in common. Of course we did, me being the teenybopper that I am.
It felt nice that I could relate to them, that they would come to me with their problems, that they wanted to spend time with me over their friends, that they asked me [ME!] for fashion advice, that their friends think I’m cool, that they called me ‘datha’, that they would save up their pocket money to get me things, that they would watch me in the kitchen and occassionally help me out whisking the cookie batter. It was oh-so delightful to occassionally terrorize them and have them climb all over me the next moment, hijack my bag, steal my shoes, drive me nuts. I felt loved and I loved that.
Sadly, one disagreement really angered me, that made me sad. But I got past it, we both did. Arfi, you and me, partners-in-crime faithfully! After all, we have Queen Elizabeth and Princess Margeret to deal with! Happy 25th to you, dopey. I’m sorry I missed the party. I really wanted to be there.
Alex, you will always be chutti to me, kiddo! You are an incredible singer. Don’t ever give up on that. Singing with you was hands-down the best kind of fun, although Glen and I didn’t know the words to many of the songs and made up so much random rubbish. Thanks for stepping up and saving us from embarassing ourselves further. You were also the perfect gentleman when we went for TNL OnStage – I was beginning to feel like the teen and you the twenty+. Relax and live a little! Hope to see you OnStage next year. You are a sweetheart. Don’t ever change.
Meeting you, being friends with you is like going back 6 years. Nothing has changed. I appreciate that. You are always my quack, I’m your dope. Really though, I didn’t see you enough. Thank you for breaking down my walls, thank you for being there when I was really lost, thank you for just being silent when I was crying my life out, thank you for being honest with me, thank you for your love and support, thank you for your crazy, thank you for making me feel beautiful, but most of all, thank you for trusting me with your life and for letting me in. Thank you for coming with me to see her [I know it wasn’t easy for you] and for taking my advice and going home. She truly is yours, no doubt. She loves you and she will love you till the world’s end. Have faith and have patience. Next time though, listen to me about the hot chocolate – quacker. ❤
I have never been more heart-broken with the two of you than when you were here, and I know it was mutual at moments. At first, I thought you guys were kidding, but then I was literally over the moon when I knew I was getting to see the both of you. I’m pretty sure the office was going to kick me out if I opened my mouth one more time about the trip. The security guard at the airport was definitely going to barricade me for being impatient while they were stripping you off your Oreos. Shit truly hit the roof at lunch when plans and everything just went haywire, but it’s okay, I understand, however I expected more than silence. As the days went on, my heart grew heavier and I couldn’t help but plot so many ways I would like to murder/abandon a certain someone. Yet, thank you for coming, thank you for putting up with my crazy, thank you for letting me hold the camera, thank you for the calming messages, thank you for asking me to stay, thank you for swearing under the waterfall, thank you for only losing your temper with me once, thank you for having tea, thank you for letting me pick the ice cream, thank you for not taking a bath with the elephant, thank you for finally standing up for me, thank you for being mine – both of you! I tried, but my tolerance just wasn’t enough. It was not the trip I envisioned, things could have definitely gone a lot smoother. Additionally, afterwards, I had a massive revelation. I always thought that I hid my feelings well, especially in regard to you, but it seems I was wrong. I lit up like a 1000-watt bulb the moment you walked through, those are not words I wanted to hear. I knew I was in big trouble.
I think one of my biggest achievements was finally meeting an ex who I’ve been avoiding like the plague and letting go of all the pain, resentment and memories. I don’t know about the whole weight being lifted all my shoulders, but I’ve definitely been more happier. It was unnecessary baggage I’ve been carrying around for far too long.
I learnt that being me is enough. It’s okay to be crazy, to be scared, to be calm, to be weird, to care, to fight for what I believe in, to dance in public, to cry, to accept compliments, to have good days, to have bad days, to expect people to stick up for me, to expect people to accept me as I am, to allow people to be there for me, to love and to enjoy the love people give me; because behind my sarcasm, I am a big softie. And it’s perfectly acceptable!
As we live each day of our lives, we gather pieces. Pieces of memories of people, of places, of moments. There wasn’t a day where I didn’t fit a piece into my heart on my trip back to my motherland that I can now call home without fear.
I fell in love. I literally fell in love. And realized why people have children and huge families. After seeing all five of them and being enveloped in their scheming, mischief and laughter, I just couldn’t help it. Their selflessness was so rare, I miss it everyday. I miss them everyday.
#Yahya – you see things that you shouldn’t and you do things like you’ve lived longer than me.
#Yaqub – my darling, my cameraman, my DJ, my jealous little drama queen!
#Mohammad – your cheeky smile is in my mind always, brainiac and wise-ass.
#Nabeela – queen, but be gentle, everything will be yours one day.
#Ahmed – someone should kidnap you because you do have a cute smile, you foodie monster.
You are my heart, every breath I breathe.
It was a great joy baking bucket loads of cookies. Of course it’s very strange that all three of you have such different personalities, but then our family is filled with too much spice.
Be awesome. Be yourselves. Be kind. Be us 😉
Ganging up to tease #Shahara with an old crush, who is really drool-worthy now; fighting over clothes with #Izrah; force-feeding #Miesha and hanging her upside down.
My family just got a little bit bigger this time and lots closer! Thank you for letting me into your life and making me feel welcome like I’ve known you since childhood…
#Nizran – Live. You are too young for anything serious. There will be someone new. Don’t be afraid. You have me. Anytime. P.S. Thanks for my first experience of isso-vada!
#Niveen – Don’t work so hard. Take a break. Travel. Try new things. There is a time for permenancy, and that time is not now. P.S. Thanks for improving my Sinhalese immensely!
#Sachin – Very excited for you to be a lawyer. Hope you get a seat. And always remember your family first.
#Shaveen – Calm down. Smile more. Be young. Love your ferocious love of family. It’s beyond amazing.
#Shakeel – Sometimes it’s like you have split-personality, but yet you are adorable. Be nice to your sister. She has your back. Study hard and play harder.
#Raabiya – You are a lost-birdie. I have finally put it down that you’ve got energy to be out-there because you store it at home. Everything will be alright.
#Afraa – Ramadan was super with you. Let’s do that again! Oh.. and another play too, and sneaking you into the IYD party.
#Shehaani – Your kindness is out of this world. You will be great some day and I want to see that. Don’t change a thing.
You, who I’ve grown with, played in the mud with, teased mercilessly, learnt new things with, and shared secrets.
#Arafath, you crackerjack. I love you. But it’s time to be responsible. Sorry for being far, but we are always cool, no matter what. Fighting over cutlets, kievs and bed space is always fun. So were the lifts to work.
#Mizna, engaged! Yey.. Congrats and all the best. Lunches are always entertaining and sometimes slightly confusing.
#Ayeshah da, I still don’t know if it’s a good thing that you are expecting a baby boy or not, only time will tell if it will great or history repeating itself.
#Raashid, for finally waking up and being yourself completely, for sharing my tears in the middle of the night, for your some-what unhealthy obsession with hot chocolate, for being emotionally up and down, for the love and protectiveness, for crazy ManUtd!
#Geethika&Dino, it started with Old Joes and ended with Jesus Christ Superstar. Sadly there was nothing in between, except TNLOnstage. There is always next time. Every time is a pleasure.
#Alex, don’t ever give up on your voice. It’s beautiful and sweet. Thanks for playing for me and letting me sing beside you on that cool, summer night. Best fun EVER!
#Hishama, hope the maltesers were good. I’m sad we didn’t get a chance to hang out as much. Next time, let’s get out for longer and really catch up. Thanks for all the support.
Baby dolls., the office wouldn’t ever be the same without you girls. Made me feel young and girly. You inspire me to aspire.
#Pathanchali – love your faces
#Khavya – love your gangsta chic style
#Hasangani – oh you sad story
#Surovi, you are a blessing in disguise. Firstly for being a foodie. Next for being a traveller. And lastly, for living on the next lane.
#Park, your noodles were great! Your apartment is lovely. It was really sweet of you to have us all over for a small taste of Korea.
#Husni, wait till your family learns about your girlfriend, you overachiever, foot-in-everything personality!
And the unexpected shocker.
#B, truthfully, this time you took me by surprise, the good kind. Thank you for being awesome always and never letting that awesomeness go. YOU made me miss home! YOU made me feel special. And for once, YOU made me shed a few happy tears. I will never find another like YOU ever.
#R, I’d like to know what’s happened to you? Are you going soft on me? Thank you for coming. I didn’t take you seriously. I should have. It was good to see you.
I enjoyed traveling with you both. Amaze-balls five days, without the unnecessary stress that came along. Photo-bombing was the best, next to the leopard that no one saw.
I’ve got lots of beauty to hold on to, lot of good times, lot of surprises, lot of love!