The air is filled with all my neurosis
at losing the people most precious.
These demons just won’t let it rest,
whispering to the right, again on the left.
The dates have changed with time
since way back in twenty-oh-nine.
But how can I forget as time flies by?
It’s another year without them alive.
The people who made me feel so much life,
like strangers fading away without a fight.
I can’t keep losing them like this,
let me not be attached – I wish.
Having said that,
can I please have them all back?
And another month has come to pass. It’s been a heart-wrenching trip through July but it does have it’s ups, which I’m always grateful for and the whole point behind these posts.
I’ve got not only got my very awesome Malaysian educational supervisor supporting my learning, but the whole department is pro me going forward and starting off on my own. It’s a great boost of confidence to hear that from consultants. Attended 2 pediatric radiology meetings as well and it’s starting to grow on me and get used to everything.
Made a trip to Cardiff with Sharmi for Tafwyl, wasn’t the best – but had a good wonder and had some lovely chinese noodles with halal beef. Yes. That is something to be happy about. Lol. Got to wander around Cardiff Castle as well and tried to make some head-way with picking up some Welsh – massive fail. We also managed to try Welsh beans on toast – which is lots better than the English version, I must admit. Picked up a banoffee frappe from Coffee #1. Much as it was really good, can’t beat Caribou.
Had a blast of a time for Eid. Ran for Eid prayers almost getting lost and had a funny incidence with a grandma who hugged me and wished me Eid Mubarak before her grown children, which was almost epic. Almost big fat family reunion in Peterborough meeting lots of new faces and running about train stations in heels, but the food.. OH.MY.GAWD. so good! And Nene trying hard to convince all of us to buy property there. Spent Sunday stuffing my face with South Indian food and then over at Harpenden with my exciting 4 minions. They are the best. Got invited to the treehouse – such privilege I tell you. Rice told me about the planets. I love that child. He is the absolute bomb. Caught a blazing sunset as well, so refreshing. Monday meet-up with Muna for Malaysian food – we ordered so much and it was all so good, definitely had a food coma for the next few days. Good thing we took a walk through Hyde Park to peak at the Diana Memorial, which I’m sure we passed and didn’t even notice.
Spent 3 days in the RSM library doing research for my interesting case report presentation for the WPS autumn session and made fantastic progress – ie I actually found something on it. It’s definitely getting more interesting and feeding my curiosity. And I finally check out a book as well on radiological anatomy. I will go through it. Promise.
Decided on the watch I’m treating myself with. It’s a beauty. Can’t wait to have it. It’s a secret – it’s not the conventional one. I never do go for those. But I’m so in love with this, such a beauty.
I did some writing. Got a foot out of my writers block. Felt lots better after.
Went up to Merthyr for my NLS and I passed. *phew and decided that if I were to pick up an accent I’d like a Merthyr accent for now. PCH did have some decent views of the Brecon. Lucky I took my camera with me. Nasty train journey though, that was mostly my fault. I learn.
I got a cannula in on the first try – oh ya baby!
Went shopping with the other lankan doc from work to Cardiff and got cherries on the way back – so I made cake with it. Tried out the Donauwelle (Danube Wave) sheet cake which is from Germany/Austria. So so good *yum. Vanilla cake topped with chocolate cake topped with cherries topped with creamed custard topped with chocolate – heaven I tell you!
Poison – Rita Ora
Shine – Years & Years
Shut Up and Dance – WALK THE MOON
Like I’m Gonna Lose You – Meghan Trainor & John Legend
I come from a family that doesn’t like to see people cry. My brother and I often tease mother when she gets sentimental over things like good-byes, achievements and deaths. But now it seems that I’ve been too hard on her or that I’m following in her footsteps. I’m not a person who believes in tears; they are for the weak, the feminine, the manipulators. I was wrong.
There’s a weight over my heart and a black cloud over my mind, there’s nothing I can do about it but feel it’s sorrow, pain and darkness. I cry.
For my grandmother whose love we haven’t felt in so long. The woman who isn’t here anymore to enjoy the frivolity of a family reunion holiday 10 years in the making. The lady who held the family together and taught us the true meaning of maintaining good family ties. I cry for her not being with us. I pray that her time in the grave is peaceful. I pray that her good deeds help her cross the Siraat safely into Jannah. I pray that her children, and we, her grandchildren are a source of sadaqah jariyah for her. Most of all, I pray she is with the people she loves, her husband, her siblings, her friends.
For the boy I love with all my heart, who I haven’t spoken to in 3 months that feels like years. For the heart ache that seems to only be mine. For the years of memories that seems to only haunt me. For the hope that doesn’t seem to want to die. The boy makes me think of Allah; of how much He loves us and how much, we, His blessings turn away from His love, just like the boy who turns away from mine. I cry for the sleepless nights, the restless mind and the painful heart. The memories that bring smiles and the light to my eyes.
For my brother who lives so far away, who has his own life that’s not intertwined with mine. Who I wish I saw more often and laughed more often with. Who is now on the way back to his home, a home that’s not ours. I miss that boy and his big, loud mouth. I miss the happiness he brings home. I miss our childhood days when we were close and we were each others secret-keepers.
Home is where the heart is, and for right now, for today my heart is broken into pieces, scattered around the globe. With the people who no longer grace this earth, with the people who fly away from me, with the people who I leave behind.
December repeatedly makes me very sentimental. Maybe it’s time to reflect on the most monumental part of my year. Maybe I was running away, maybe I just needed a break from the reality of my life, into another dimension. But my life did a little more than change when I took that trip.
Being the most socially-awkward person that I am, my first day at the office was filled with anxiety. But 2 of the best things happened to me during those 3 months – Surovi and Eddie. Let me just interject here and quickly mention that I’m very skeptical about girl friends. My closest and best friends have always been boys. Surovi, changed my life, okay maybe she didn’t full on change my life, but she gave me a new pair of glasses to see through. I love her free-spirit and feminism. What I love the most is how she just says it, there is no such thing as an elephant in the room with her. There’s just none of that Sri Lankan frivolousness. She can dish out the best advice at one moment and be giggling like a teenager the next. She has travelled. She has read. She’s a foodie. She’s cultured. She’s passionate. She’s opinionated. And then there’s Eddie, who I know like the back of my hand because she’s me – 4 years ago. She sings. She plays the piano. She has faith. She reads. She’s a nerd. She writes. She’s artsy. She really is my soul sister. I don’t even have to tell her – we get excited over the same things, we get irritated over the same things, we have the same level of tolerance and we are always always always thinking the same thing.
Khav is of course the prettiest thing ever, and if I had to ever let anyone near me with an eyeliner, it would be her! It downright warmed my sob-story heart when she called me her sister… Panch, oh Panch, my friends think I make the oddest faces, they clearly haven’t met you. You are awesome, you tree-hugging terrorist!
Another blessing was Sheva. If my parents ever wanted to adopt me another younger brother, I would totally pick you. I love your company. You are too wise for your age, too learnt, too eager, too busy, too calm, too giving, and most of all too amazing. Adeh, thank you for walking into my life. I miss seeing you everyday, I miss talking to you!
Like every family, my family has it’s fair share of problems, which meant my world was limited. There were people who I didn’t know existed! The past 5 months changed that. My family grew. The gap that seemed so big years ago, actually wasn’t anymore. These kids have grown up – we actually have things in common. Of course we did, me being the teenybopper that I am.
It felt nice that I could relate to them, that they would come to me with their problems, that they wanted to spend time with me over their friends, that they asked me [ME!] for fashion advice, that their friends think I’m cool, that they called me ‘datha’, that they would save up their pocket money to get me things, that they would watch me in the kitchen and occassionally help me out whisking the cookie batter. It was oh-so delightful to occassionally terrorize them and have them climb all over me the next moment, hijack my bag, steal my shoes, drive me nuts. I felt loved and I loved that.
Sadly, one disagreement really angered me, that made me sad. But I got past it, we both did. Arfi, you and me, partners-in-crime faithfully! After all, we have Queen Elizabeth and Princess Margeret to deal with! Happy 25th to you, dopey. I’m sorry I missed the party. I really wanted to be there.
Alex, you will always be chutti to me, kiddo! You are an incredible singer. Don’t ever give up on that. Singing with you was hands-down the best kind of fun, although Glen and I didn’t know the words to many of the songs and made up so much random rubbish. Thanks for stepping up and saving us from embarassing ourselves further. You were also the perfect gentleman when we went for TNL OnStage – I was beginning to feel like the teen and you the twenty+. Relax and live a little! Hope to see you OnStage next year. You are a sweetheart. Don’t ever change.
Meeting you, being friends with you is like going back 6 years. Nothing has changed. I appreciate that. You are always my quack, I’m your dope. Really though, I didn’t see you enough. Thank you for breaking down my walls, thank you for being there when I was really lost, thank you for just being silent when I was crying my life out, thank you for being honest with me, thank you for your love and support, thank you for your crazy, thank you for making me feel beautiful, but most of all, thank you for trusting me with your life and for letting me in. Thank you for coming with me to see her [I know it wasn’t easy for you] and for taking my advice and going home. She truly is yours, no doubt. She loves you and she will love you till the world’s end. Have faith and have patience. Next time though, listen to me about the hot chocolate – quacker. ❤
I have never been more heart-broken with the two of you than when you were here, and I know it was mutual at moments. At first, I thought you guys were kidding, but then I was literally over the moon when I knew I was getting to see the both of you. I’m pretty sure the office was going to kick me out if I opened my mouth one more time about the trip. The security guard at the airport was definitely going to barricade me for being impatient while they were stripping you off your Oreos. Shit truly hit the roof at lunch when plans and everything just went haywire, but it’s okay, I understand, however I expected more than silence. As the days went on, my heart grew heavier and I couldn’t help but plot so many ways I would like to murder/abandon a certain someone. Yet, thank you for coming, thank you for putting up with my crazy, thank you for letting me hold the camera, thank you for the calming messages, thank you for asking me to stay, thank you for swearing under the waterfall, thank you for only losing your temper with me once, thank you for having tea, thank you for letting me pick the ice cream, thank you for not taking a bath with the elephant, thank you for finally standing up for me, thank you for being mine – both of you! I tried, but my tolerance just wasn’t enough. It was not the trip I envisioned, things could have definitely gone a lot smoother. Additionally, afterwards, I had a massive revelation. I always thought that I hid my feelings well, especially in regard to you, but it seems I was wrong. I lit up like a 1000-watt bulb the moment you walked through, those are not words I wanted to hear. I knew I was in big trouble.
I think one of my biggest achievements was finally meeting an ex who I’ve been avoiding like the plague and letting go of all the pain, resentment and memories. I don’t know about the whole weight being lifted all my shoulders, but I’ve definitely been more happier. It was unnecessary baggage I’ve been carrying around for far too long.
I learnt that being me is enough. It’s okay to be crazy, to be scared, to be calm, to be weird, to care, to fight for what I believe in, to dance in public, to cry, to accept compliments, to have good days, to have bad days, to expect people to stick up for me, to expect people to accept me as I am, to allow people to be there for me, to love and to enjoy the love people give me; because behind my sarcasm, I am a big softie. And it’s perfectly acceptable!
As we live each day of our lives, we gather pieces. Pieces of memories of people, of places, of moments. There wasn’t a day where I didn’t fit a piece into my heart on my trip back to my motherland that I can now call home without fear.
I fell in love. I literally fell in love. And realized why people have children and huge families. After seeing all five of them and being enveloped in their scheming, mischief and laughter, I just couldn’t help it. Their selflessness was so rare, I miss it everyday. I miss them everyday.
#Yahya – you see things that you shouldn’t and you do things like you’ve lived longer than me.
#Yaqub – my darling, my cameraman, my DJ, my jealous little drama queen!
#Mohammad – your cheeky smile is in my mind always, brainiac and wise-ass.
#Nabeela – queen, but be gentle, everything will be yours one day.
#Ahmed – someone should kidnap you because you do have a cute smile, you foodie monster.
You are my heart, every breath I breathe.
It was a great joy baking bucket loads of cookies. Of course it’s very strange that all three of you have such different personalities, but then our family is filled with too much spice.
Be awesome. Be yourselves. Be kind. Be us 😉
Ganging up to tease #Shahara with an old crush, who is really drool-worthy now; fighting over clothes with #Izrah; force-feeding #Miesha and hanging her upside down.
My family just got a little bit bigger this time and lots closer! Thank you for letting me into your life and making me feel welcome like I’ve known you since childhood…
#Nizran – Live. You are too young for anything serious. There will be someone new. Don’t be afraid. You have me. Anytime. P.S. Thanks for my first experience of isso-vada!
#Niveen – Don’t work so hard. Take a break. Travel. Try new things. There is a time for permenancy, and that time is not now. P.S. Thanks for improving my Sinhalese immensely!
#Sachin – Very excited for you to be a lawyer. Hope you get a seat. And always remember your family first.
#Shaveen – Calm down. Smile more. Be young. Love your ferocious love of family. It’s beyond amazing.
#Shakeel – Sometimes it’s like you have split-personality, but yet you are adorable. Be nice to your sister. She has your back. Study hard and play harder.
#Raabiya – You are a lost-birdie. I have finally put it down that you’ve got energy to be out-there because you store it at home. Everything will be alright.
#Afraa – Ramadan was super with you. Let’s do that again! Oh.. and another play too, and sneaking you into the IYD party.
#Shehaani – Your kindness is out of this world. You will be great some day and I want to see that. Don’t change a thing.
You, who I’ve grown with, played in the mud with, teased mercilessly, learnt new things with, and shared secrets.
#Arafath, you crackerjack. I love you. But it’s time to be responsible. Sorry for being far, but we are always cool, no matter what. Fighting over cutlets, kievs and bed space is always fun. So were the lifts to work.
#Mizna, engaged! Yey.. Congrats and all the best. Lunches are always entertaining and sometimes slightly confusing.
#Ayeshah da, I still don’t know if it’s a good thing that you are expecting a baby boy or not, only time will tell if it will great or history repeating itself.
#Raashid, for finally waking up and being yourself completely, for sharing my tears in the middle of the night, for your some-what unhealthy obsession with hot chocolate, for being emotionally up and down, for the love and protectiveness, for crazy ManUtd!
#Geethika&Dino, it started with Old Joes and ended with Jesus Christ Superstar. Sadly there was nothing in between, except TNLOnstage. There is always next time. Every time is a pleasure.
#Alex, don’t ever give up on your voice. It’s beautiful and sweet. Thanks for playing for me and letting me sing beside you on that cool, summer night. Best fun EVER!
#Hishama, hope the maltesers were good. I’m sad we didn’t get a chance to hang out as much. Next time, let’s get out for longer and really catch up. Thanks for all the support.
Baby dolls., the office wouldn’t ever be the same without you girls. Made me feel young and girly. You inspire me to aspire.
#Pathanchali – love your faces
#Khavya – love your gangsta chic style
#Hasangani – oh you sad story
#Surovi, you are a blessing in disguise. Firstly for being a foodie. Next for being a traveller. And lastly, for living on the next lane.
#Park, your noodles were great! Your apartment is lovely. It was really sweet of you to have us all over for a small taste of Korea.
#Husni, wait till your family learns about your girlfriend, you overachiever, foot-in-everything personality!
And the unexpected shocker.
#B, truthfully, this time you took me by surprise, the good kind. Thank you for being awesome always and never letting that awesomeness go. YOU made me miss home! YOU made me feel special. And for once, YOU made me shed a few happy tears. I will never find another like YOU ever.
#R, I’d like to know what’s happened to you? Are you going soft on me? Thank you for coming. I didn’t take you seriously. I should have. It was good to see you.
I enjoyed traveling with you both. Amaze-balls five days, without the unnecessary stress that came along. Photo-bombing was the best, next to the leopard that no one saw.
I’ve got lots of beauty to hold on to, lot of good times, lot of surprises, lot of love!
Lists. Lists. Lists. Here goes!
- Be more grateful towards my family
- Pray on time
- Learn to be patient
- Be a better friend and keep in touch often
- Smile more
- Travel to a new place
- Take pictures/paint/learn to play a new song/learn a new dance move
- Give someone a chance
- Learn to use these “girly” charms
- Midnight kiss on NYE!
Have a wonderful year. See you in 2014…
Time moves so slow, yet I blink my eye and it’s already the end of 2012 — and the world didn’t end yet! Muahahahahahahaha!!! I’m 24 years old and I’m finally finally going to graduate from med school this year and damn right I’m excited/scared/flipping out. I’ve come a long way, but it’s NOTHING. I have big dreams for myself, and dreams are not free. I’ve got a lot of work to do!
And as this year sets and the dawn of 2013 comes into the horizon, I like to re-live all the special moments of my years. Reminisce in the past with all the life lessons, the good times and the people that mean the world to me. Positivity on the negativity.
Started off in Singapore, the country of my dreams. It’s fine blend of multi-cultural diversity and economic prosperity. Rode my first kick-scooter. Big accomplishment. Made friends. Ate laksa, satay and all the peanut sauce I could stomach. Walked around endlessly. Viewed the entire skyline from Singapore’s tallest(?) tower, watching the clouds shadow the sun to bring in glorious rain. Enjoyed the hospital, the will of the doctors to teach and encourage. It was a good 6 weeks. Best experience yet!
After all, it’s been nice to be home after this time, like nothing has changed except the skyline, the now very elaborate Arts scene and the aggressive charity campaigns.
Being with the boys has been extremely satisfying. It’s bliss when you have someone to argue with endlessly and someone to calm you down when there is a storm cooking, most of all when no matter what and how, they can ALWAYS make you laugh and make you forget a bad day! Hell… we’ve had our good months and bad months, but we made it through and I miss them everyday. Thank you for getting me through the death of my first patient, for ignoring me for 2 months and asking me where I’ve been hiding my face, for watching the curb and most of all for the “dolphins”. Oops.. forgot the culinary experience — those nights of shish tawook and endless elaborate planning to end up in Pizza Hut. Plus the numerous cups of tea!
The hospital training was difficult, it wasn’t as great as I expected it to be, but it was still so eye opening and educational. Not to say that there weren’t some doctors that gave me the most of what they had to offer – and I’m proud to have failed on my first paracentesis, but mastering it the second time around. I’m proud for being given the opportunity to master subcuticular stitches. I’m proud to have done my first lumbar puncture without paralyzing the patient. I’m proud to have drawn blood on my first try without multiple marks. I’m proud to have sutured a man’s lacerated eyebrow after 15 mins of sweating and shaky hands. I’m proud to have failed my first and only bone marrow aspiration. I’m proud of somewhat being able to handle a laparoscopic appendectomy. I’m proud to be able to read an ECG in confidence. I’m proud for the opportunity to massage an open uterus. Thank you doctors and surgeons, thank you for harnessing my interest and channeling it towards educating me. You have made a world of difference from the person I started and the doctor I will be. I guess I must say that I did make some friends there at the hospital as well, over some more cups of tea and the odd lunch.
Escapism is my middle name. Actually no, it isn’t. It might as well be though. My trip to Sri Lanka was the best. Arguing with my cousin, and practically fighting over meatballs. Henna night with the girls. Meeting people I haven’t seen in over 3 years and falling into place like it was just yesterday and time had not passed at all. The ladies man has become a priest – for real. *drop dead* Cheering at the SJC-RC Regetta for my Thora cousin who was rowing and silently for my Royalist dad. Visiting the babies of my family — doing what I do best, making them cry! Oh.. and my Josephian brothers – in my heart, never a serious moment, always a pleasure. Following up on Sri Lanka’s cafe culture. Lastly, the best relationship advice always comes from the one who sees things from the outside in; the words ring so true, yes, you are wearing me down. You caught me off-guard there but it was wonderful, those last 40 mins in the airport.
As the year counts down, I have been quite busy this year. I’ve pushed for as many charity events as I could. I’ve been to support the UAE National Symphony Orchestra in the desert of Zayed University. I’ve dragged mom along with me for the grandiose Abu Dhabi Art Festival at Saadiyat Island. AND I GOT MY DRIVERS!!! Now that’s major. 🙂 Thanks mom and dad for this year. The only thing missing was my bro. I do miss the bugger to bits. Home is just not the same without him.
It is the end of the year of the DRAGON. It’s the end of my year. Reminisce young’uns. Steady your roots so that your shoots will always know the way back home. Revel in the blessings of the year. Forget the broken hearts, the mean words, the crushed spirits! You will heal with every breath, with every new dawn.
Here’s to family!
Here’s to best friends!
Here’s to following your dreams!
Here’s to living your life!
Here’s to memories that make you smile when you are alone!
Here’s to 2013!!! Happy New Year… ❤