Tag Archives: dreams

2017 – Welcome

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Dear World,

2017 could not have come any sooner. 2016 ahhh, was not a year of firsts anymore. It was a year that I wanted over from the moment it started and now it’s gone. Thank the heavens for that!

2016 was a year that I traveled outside the UK into Europe and Africa for the first time ever. Those were exciting days. I soaked myself in those moments, but deep down, my heart was in a dark place. My heart remained in a dark place and dragged my head down with it. Every time I took a breath out a small part of my soul left with it. So last year, I had no power to stop myself, I just let myself grieve. And I must say that I’m so very very grateful for my friends, new and old – my family that keeps growing; for pulling me through. It was a year where I had to make a difficult career choice so that I could go on to achieve my 5 year goals.
It was also a year where some of the loveliest couples I knew got married, and I wish them a world of happiness through all the hardship they took to get there. I couldn’t be more excited for you!

I’m ready for this year. To get on with things head strong, to travel with my heart free, to look forward instead of looking back, to focusing on what is instead of what if. The year I can finally begin again, awaken my dead bones, and restart my heartbeat. I hope this year will be our saving grace where we get in touch with ourselves and regain our humanity. Let us not forget those who need us, stuck in situations beyond their control, in poverty and war-striken regions around the world. May we all hope to make a small difference in our lifetimes.

I shall leave you with that and some lovely words from Ms Leav.

With love, always,
K

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Dangerously

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Fresh mountain air.
Tainted desert sands.

Dreams.
Eyes that hide secrets.
A smile that ignites fire.

Words so constant.
Actions of the subtlest nature.
I-miss-you never aloud.

You waited.
I waited.

Lace against body.
Sweet chemical combustion.
Triggers perspiration.

Heart in shards.
Thousand glittering pieces.

Ghosts of my mind.
Haunting breaths.
Passion slow to diffuse.

Take me back.
Be my lover and my demon.
Don’t leave me like this.

Holding my breath.
Waiting.

My December

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Now that you’re gone
my soul has lost its youthfulness
and my heart is tired.
But my eyes that search anxiously
for yours,
have come to find you in my dreams.
Now the love that they exude can
be set free;
while I sleep in tormented reverie.
Because the December that was
meant to be ours,
wasn’t really meant to be.

She Gets It

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She gets it.
She bloody gets it.
I don’t ever have to explain my
inclination or inspiration,
we are two peas of the same swoon pod.
I see pots of gold
at the end of hospital rainbows,
and so does she.
She gets it.
She bloody well does.

 

Why I wrote this:
She’s going to me a trauma surgeon. I’m going to be a pediatric interventional radiologist. Very different personalities, fighting for the same dream and crushing badly on the consultants that inspire us.

Sacrifices & Dreams

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There is a certain
charm, serenity and comfort
being at home.
It is indeed a blessing
to be around ‘family’
when your heart is speechless.

I’m humbled by the sacrifices
my parents have made
for my future woven of dreams.

 

Why I wrote this:
I love my parents and yes all these things, but I can’t stay at home for too long. I miss my freedom. But really this time, I am ashamed at me running away from them, for it always has been them who have stood up for me, you have sacrificed for me, who have pushed for me, and I have no right to not be humbled next to them.

More poems on instagram @khroniklesofk –> link on the right column.

Spectrum of Tears

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My eyes are crying a devils river,
down my cheeks,
soaking my t-shirt.
Never has there been a month
like this before,
an insane whirlwind of emotions.

It started with heartbreak,
moving on to hope and ease,
ending with dreams coming true.

 

Why I wrote this:
Well I ended my 3 year crush obsession whateveryoumaycallit, I came home after 6 months and I got my first job contract! It’s been an emotional month!

More poems on instagram @khroniklesofk –> link on the right column.

Floating In Forever

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Now that I no longer have anymore excuses, the constant annoying squabble about getting married is hovering in the air and buzzing in my ear. Yes, like every girl; tomboy or not; I have dreamt about my wedding day and made a mental scrapbook about all the wants and unwants. But this is not what I imagined, this nightmare.

I’ve not been one to stay quiet and wait, I’ve always been the go-getter. A whirlwind of emotions. However at this point, I’m tired and I’m fed-up. For once I’d like to be the princess waiting for her knight in shining armor instead of riding in search of him.

I don’t want to start the first conversation. I don’t want to make the first move.

I want the shyness of the first meeting. The mystery in the air. Making me want to act like a girl; wear high heels, paint my nails and wear perfume. The gifts I don’t need. The chivalrous moments; of holding the door, my chair and my shopping. The endless discussions of ideas. Love letters. Lines of poetry, stories and lyrics.

I’m a dreamer. I’m a realist. Such a contradiction.

Mother says I need to get out more, change the person that I am, talk to more people, show the world who I am – I don’t really want to. I’m happy the way I am. I get out enough for myself. I talk to loads of people. The world can very well see who I am, it’s not blind and I’m not invisible. I’m not playing hide-n-seek.

I’m here.

I don’t need to be saved. I just want to be needed.

This piece says it all 😀 ~http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/i-want-a-tuesday-kind-of-love/

Blue for you…

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Time moves so slow, yet I blink my eye and it’s already the end of 2012 — and the world didn’t end yet! Muahahahahahahaha!!! I’m 24 years old and I’m finally finally going to graduate from med school this year and damn right I’m excited/scared/flipping out. I’ve come a long way, but it’s NOTHING. I have big dreams for myself, and dreams are not free. I’ve got a lot of work to do!

And as this year sets and the dawn of 2013 comes into the horizon, I like to re-live all the special moments of my years. Reminisce in the past with all the life lessons, the good times and the people that mean the world to me. Positivity on the negativity.

Started off in Singapore, the country of my dreams. It’s fine blend of multi-cultural diversity and economic prosperity. Rode my first kick-scooter. Big accomplishment. Made friends. Ate laksa, satay and all the peanut sauce I could stomach. Walked around endlessly. Viewed the entire skyline from Singapore’s tallest(?) tower, watching the clouds shadow the sun to bring in glorious rain. Enjoyed the hospital, the will of the doctors to teach and encourage. It was a good 6 weeks. Best experience yet!

After all, it’s been nice to be home after this time, like nothing has changed except the skyline, the now very elaborate Arts scene and the aggressive charity campaigns.

Being with the boys has been extremely satisfying. It’s bliss when you have someone to argue with endlessly and someone to calm you down when there is a storm cooking, most of all when no matter what and how, they can ALWAYS make you laugh and make you forget a bad day! Hell… we’ve had our good months and bad months, but we made it through and I miss them everyday. Thank you for getting me through the death of my first patient, for ignoring me for 2 months and asking me where I’ve been hiding my face, for watching the curb and most of all for the “dolphins”. Oops.. forgot the culinary experience — those nights of shish tawook and endless elaborate planning to end up in Pizza Hut. Plus the numerous cups of tea!

The hospital training was difficult, it wasn’t as great as I expected it to be, but it was still so eye opening and educational. Not to say that there weren’t some doctors that gave me the most of what they had to offer – and I’m proud to have failed on my first paracentesis, but mastering it the second time around. I’m proud for being given the opportunity to master subcuticular stitches. I’m proud to have done my first lumbar puncture without paralyzing the patient. I’m proud to have drawn blood on my first try without multiple marks. I’m proud to have sutured a man’s lacerated eyebrow after 15 mins of sweating and shaky hands. I’m proud to have failed my first and only bone marrow aspiration. I’m proud of somewhat being able to handle a laparoscopic appendectomy. I’m proud to be able to read an ECG in confidence. I’m proud for the opportunity to massage an open uterus. Thank you doctors and surgeons, thank you for harnessing my interest and channeling it towards educating me. You have made a world of difference from the person I started and the doctor I will be. I guess I must say that I did make some friends there at the hospital as well, over some more cups of tea and the odd lunch.

Escapism is my middle name. Actually no, it isn’t. It might as well be though. My trip to Sri Lanka was the best. Arguing with my cousin, and practically fighting over meatballs. Henna night with the girls. Meeting people I haven’t seen in over 3 years and falling into place like it was just yesterday and time had not passed at all. The ladies man has become a priest – for real. *drop dead* Cheering at the SJC-RC Regetta for my Thora cousin who was rowing and silently for my Royalist dad. Visiting the babies of my family — doing what I do best, making them cry! Oh.. and my Josephian brothers – in my heart, never a serious moment, always a pleasure. Following up on Sri Lanka’s cafe culture. Lastly, the best relationship advice always comes from the one who sees things from the outside in; the words ring so true, yes, you are wearing me down. You caught me off-guard there but it was wonderful, those last 40 mins in the airport.

As the year counts down, I have been quite busy this year. I’ve pushed for as many charity events as I could. I’ve been to support the UAE National Symphony Orchestra in the desert of Zayed University. I’ve dragged mom along with me for the grandiose Abu Dhabi Art Festival at Saadiyat Island. AND I GOT MY DRIVERS!!! Now that’s major. 🙂 Thanks mom and dad for this year. The only thing missing was my bro. I do miss the bugger to bits. Home is just not the same without him.

It is the end of the year of the DRAGON. It’s the end of my year. Reminisce young’uns. Steady your roots so that your shoots will always know the way back home. Revel in the blessings of the year. Forget the broken hearts, the mean words, the crushed spirits! You will heal with every breath, with every new dawn.

Here’s to family!
Here’s to best friends!
Here’s to following your dreams!
Here’s to living your life!
Here’s to memories that make you smile when you are alone!

Here’s to 2013!!! Happy New Year… ❤

Despair & Infinity

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I thought your teenage years were the most messed up years of your life, the years when you didn’t know who you were or who you wanted to be. I’ve left those years behind a couple of years ago. So why am I still so confused? Why am I still so scared?

I have friends, and I have close friends and a best friend – but it always feels like I’m pulling them in and pushing them out in double the speed. How is it that I still can’t trust anyone with myself? How is it that I’m still so insecure? How is it that I’m still so ashamed of myself? How is it that I still feel all alone in a world filled with people? Sometimes I feel like people don’t get me, sometimes I feel like I’m so superficial I’m not me anymore. I want to tell someone and have that sort of relationship with another person where it’s just you and your crazy, and it’s perfectly normal.

I want to be that girl with simple dreams and hopes with a big heart and a big smile. I want to dance in the street and sing outside my head. I want the sea breeze in my hair, the salty smell all around with my feet in the soft, wet sand. I want to paint and listen to the music of my choice – as loud as permitted. I want to be happy. I want to tell people my deepest fears without being judged. I want to tell my best friend my secrets in silence. I want to cry in peace and laugh when I feel like it for no reason at all. I want to love and be free and give everything of me to someone else without feeling like I’m not appreciated. I want to be stupid without being scared. I want to be someone’s go-to person with pride. I want to be perfectly imperfect. I want to learn and study, study and learn. I want to cook for people everyday without being used. I want to try new things within my sanity. I want to walk and walk and walk; by myself with my headphones, with my friends and their stories, with the person I love and entwined fingers. I want to travel to less exotic places and see exotic things. I want to be a great doctor, and if that doesn’t work out, I want to be a good doctor. I want to be able to play the drums with my eyes closed. I want to ride my own bike. I want to fall without bruises on my knees. I want to be enough for myself, for my parents, for my friends.

Someone significant told me I was in love 11 years ago. 11 years ago. It was a long time ago. A time when people hadn’t broken me, sarcasm hadn’t taken over my life and I was open to new things. Now just thinking that I might be still in love with that person scares me more than settling me. How can I still be in love with that person when I can’t even love myself? What if I’m just breaking my heart everyday for someone who only wants to see me cry? What if I can’t progress further than that foolish beginning of a relationship without the feeling of panic and suffocation overcoming me? How can he know for sure that I was in love when I couldn’t see it myself? Why am I still stuck at the crossroad of yes and no? What if this is just not the right time, and the right person will come at the wrong time? What if I never get married or have children? What if I do? Will I be me? Will I know me? Am I doing what I really love? Do I really want to be a doctor? Am I going to be happy doing this? Is this the life I envisioned for myself, or am I just running away as usual? What if I’m actually a Jack of All Trades, Master of None? When will all these questionable insecurities stop?

I want to be dependent with the choice of independence. I want someone to take care of me instead of me always being the one taking care of others. I want to dream of the possible and maybe the impossible. I want my self esteem to not crash every time someone says I’m not good enough. I want my skin to be thick so that even the slightest harsh words will bounce back without me flinching in pain. I want to be hard but soft. I want to stand up for what I believe in yet learn to compromise on things I can’t change. And most of all, I want to not be angry. I want to smile because I’m actually happy.

Dear Diary…

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Dear 28-year-old me,

Heyy, how you been doing? I’m sure you must be busy, but I hope you are taking time to do things that help you relax and be stress-free as well. Don’t ever forget how you felt when you were painting, reading, swimming or just dancing with loud music and the lights off.

I hope you are done studying (finally!) and have a job doing something that you love, whatever you set your mind to do, because that’s the only way you are going to change the world and be happy at the same time. I expect that whatever you chose is super interesting and challenges the hell out of you. Don’t forget to get some sleep in-between being awesome, you can always get up tomorrow and start again.

I trust that you got your fairytale ending. If you haven’t, get cracking, it’s high time! I hope he makes you happy, makes you feel like you come before him, always. I hope he buys you books instead of flowers for special occasions and makes you laugh every day. I hope he’s handsome, has good iman and guides you in the right path with every decision that he makes. I trust that he is dependable, any time of the day. I wish he helps around in the house and can make a few really delicious dishes, don’t misuse that privilege though. I hope his smile makes you fall in love with him all over again every time. And most of all, I hope that you both want the same things in life and keep that respect of one another even if temperatures run too high.

I wonder if you’ll have kids by now, but knowing mom, I’m sure you will. At least 1, if not 2. Don’t go more than 4, that’s pushing your luck. I expect they are beautiful and cheeky, I really wouldn’t expect anything else. Have patience with them, and lots of love. Introduce them to Allah as early as you can. He has been your savior, and will be theirs too. Don’t spoil them, that’s for others to do. Never hold back on loving them ever. Encourage them to be great, keep your vicious tongue in check around them. And I hope you don’t miss important milestones because you’ve been away at work. Remember that family always comes first, next to Allah.

I want to believe that by now you would have let go of all that anger you have inside you and focus on the good things in life – Allah, parents, spouse, children and friends. Don’t ever let go of those friends who have been with you and have picked you up and held your hand through times of sadness, stupidity and fear. I expect that you are much nicer currently, take better care of yourself as of those around you, and have much better iman. I sincerely pray you have learnt to drive more than a go-kart too.

One last thing, don’t let mom push you away. Even though she can be the worst kind of annoying, remember she gave up much for you and raised you to be better than her. What she says and what’s in her heart are two totally different things. Call her often. Take her advice. Send her little gifts. And don’t take NO for an answer. Be in touch with dad too. Make sure they always have enough money and surprise them with little vacations to different parts of the world whenever you can afford it. They have never said no to you, so don’t use it on them. Give them everything they need and more. Mostly, give them love.

Alright busy bee that I know you are. Be good. Smile more often and make sure the lines on your face are nothing but laugh lines. Remember that Allah will get you through it if he puts you in it. Have some faith. I have taken care of the fun part, now you take care of the grown-up part. Wear your hijab with pride.

I love you, oldie.

Regards,
Your 22-year-old self 😀