Take care of him.”
That’s what she said.
“How do you do that for a man who
wants someone else?”
I stepped back. That’s what I did.
There she lay
beside me in sweet slumber,
a smirk on her face.
A curious early morning sight,
yet I rolled away to face the ceiling.
She, was stuck with me.
I wondered, would it be different
if he lay next to me,
would he be pulling me in closer?
Ouch! She just smacked me
out of my daydream.
I, was stuck with her.
Here I am,
having the time of my life
yet coming back to an empty house
thinking I’d much rather
be with you!
There you are,
walking away with
your bags packed and mind made up
so I guess I’m getting used to
home being this way!
In a world that is intent on breaking,
it’s the first time I’ve learnt
to let go.
This is us.
This is love.
This is where I sleep,
alone in peaceful reverie.
With you darling, seas apart,
tormented by the road
You taught me to never
judge a book by its cover,
so I let him recite eloquent verses
that took me to a different time.
That was the thing I loved
most about him,
that he read in a language which
wasn’t completely mine.
I see you, the person you are becoming.
A stranger to me, far from the one I love.
You come close to me; oddly I am repulsed by you.
I don’t want your hands on me,
touching me, feeling me.
I don’t want your alcohol-filled kisses
on my lips, or face, or neck.
That sparkle in your eyes,
the one I love so; is gone.
Replaced by a lust I don’t want to recognize.
There is a fear in me, a fear of hurting you.
You, so vulnerable, so fragile.
Then you come to me and hold me
like you’ve done something you regret.
I don’t understand all this. Not even a bit.
And what hurts more than watching you lose your senses,
is that you don’t see how hurt I am by this.
You are filled with concern about others, but not me,
yet I love that part of you too.
I missed you that night my love,
missed you too much.
Sometimes I think about the past,
and wonder if it would have been different.
If we would have had what we have today,
or whether it would have faded away.
Sometimes I just want to run away,
and hide in a place where no one will find me.
To be alone with myself,
so that my thoughts will have space to breathe.
Sometimes I smile to myself in the sunshine,
and continue walking down the street.
Thinking about all those good times,
those memories of laughter.
Sometimes I dream about the future,
and how it seems so bright.
How it would feel like to spend a lifetime with you,
being with you every step of the way.
Sometimes I wonder if you’re thinking about me,
and how close we once were.
At what we are doing, how we are,
how we are coping, whether we are smiling.
Sometimes I look around me, at things learnt,
and I am eternally thankful.
For my family, friends and life,
it has been good to me, even through the storms.
Sometimes I ponder over the present,
and ask myself if it would be the same if I stayed behind.
If you would have given us another chance,
so I could feel the way I used to when you called my name.
Sometimes I am curious to know,
what would happen if you saw right through me.
Would you be amazed at how you’ve been deceived?
The mask I wear, will it frighten you?