Tag Archives: death

Fade Into Darkness

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When he asked I was scared, I knew I didn’t want anyone less in my life who wouldn’t go on to become my husband. But I had to try, I wouldn’t get a second chance, yet I didn’t want to either. I was so afraid. So I called someone for advice and he said that I had to try, that I’d never know until I did. I put my fear away and said yes. He was mine. I could officially call him mine. I was weary though, good things don’t happen to me so easily. The ecstasy of it overrode the negativity in my mind. I was so so happy, I had hope. He let me in to parts of his life, but he kept me out of the others. I didn’t want that, I wanted everything – the good, bad and the downright ugly. I hoped he’d come around, I had time I said to myself and time is what it’ll take. I didn’t push. I just sat there in my happy bubble. And happy was what I was. Happy arguing, happy smiling, happy laughing, happy living life. He made me feel safe. He pushed me to look beyond the pettiness, to grow to be the better person. I love him for the little things, because he wasn’t anything spectacularly large. He was an abundance of small victories rolled up together – every one of which he deserved, which he worked hard for. I believe in him and his greatness, his strive, his dreams. I could not have been blessed in my life with someone better than him. Then I lost him. I lost him to himself. I lost him to his need to protect me from himself than show me himself. I lost him before he even knew he was going. And I think that was the worst, knowing that someone is going before even they know – waiting quietly for them to realize they are already out the door. It broke my heart, yet I will always love him beyond myself, because he is worthy of it. He may not realize it, but I said I’d take this pain, this hurt, this heartache so that he wouldn’t have to, and I will – he is worth it. I just wasn’t lucky enough to have him for the time I had hoped. Luck was never on my side anyways. I miss him everyday; but in the days I had, I loved him like I was going to lose him. We could have been better than what we were, we were just two different people; cautious of different pain. He will always be the better part of me, I hope somewhere I’ll be the better part of him.

You’ll always be my favorite “what if”, but I’m sticking with “what is”. -Lang Leav

We lose people in our lives everyday. The age-old saying that time heals everything, is just words of comfort. Time doesn’t heal anything, the only thing that time does is blur the memories you are fighting to hold on to. Life goes on, you get up and force yourself to keep moving – that time and life wait for no one; soon enough it becomes habit. We are nothing but creatures of habit. But our minds, they don’t stay quiet, our minds are loud. They scream and wail, but our lips are quiet because we can’t change our loss, we can only bear them. We can only hope to silence our minds by distraction, that usually works on good days. No one really recovers from loss.

The only certainty in this life is death.

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Yes death, not just physical death – but death of life, death of friendship, death of love, death of happiness, death of joy, death of dreams, death of spirituality, death of humanity. How does one look past that? How does one recover?

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That Place

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Remember that place we go to?
The one that reminds you of your childhood?
Was it a tradition your dad started?
Remember how I was so amazed?
How you taught me the art of feeding?
Does it still feel like a place with happy memories?

Do you miss him now that he is gone?
The man in your life that used to take you there?
Does that place still hold a warm feeling?

Why I wrote this:
My best friends dad passed away about 5 years ago, and I can only imagine the impact it must have had on him. You cant really do anything for them but just be there. He told me about this place in our hometown that his father took him to as a child. I just wanted him to still have fond memories of that place, so I insisted we go. He is a different person when we go there. Just for that, I’m happy.

Them I-miss-you moments

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I come from a family that doesn’t like to see people cry. My brother and I often tease mother when she gets sentimental over things like good-byes, achievements and deaths. But now it seems that I’ve been too hard on her or that I’m following in her footsteps. I’m not a person who believes in tears; they are for the weak, the feminine, the manipulators. I was wrong. 

There’s a weight over my heart and a black cloud over my mind, there’s nothing I can do about it but feel it’s sorrow, pain and darkness. I cry.

For my grandmother whose love we haven’t felt in so long. The woman who isn’t here anymore to enjoy the frivolity of a family reunion holiday 10 years in the making. The lady who held the family together and taught us the true meaning of maintaining good family ties. I cry for her not being with us. I pray that her time in the grave is peaceful. I pray that her good deeds help her cross the Siraat safely into Jannah. I pray that her children, and we, her grandchildren are a source of sadaqah jariyah for her. Most of all, I pray she is with the people she loves, her husband, her siblings, her friends.

For the boy I love with all my heart, who I haven’t spoken to in 3 months that feels like years. For the heart ache that seems to only be mine. For the years of memories that seems to only haunt me. For the hope that doesn’t seem to want to die. The boy makes me think of Allah; of how much He loves us and how much, we, His blessings turn away from His love, just like the boy who turns away from mine. I cry for the sleepless nights, the restless mind and the painful heart. The memories that bring smiles and the light to my eyes. 

For my brother who lives so far away, who has his own life that’s not intertwined with mine. Who I wish I saw more often and laughed more often with. Who is now on the way back to his home, a home that’s not ours. I miss that boy and his big, loud mouth. I miss the happiness he brings home. I miss our childhood days when we were close and we were each others secret-keepers. 

Home is where the heart is, and for right now, for today my heart is broken into pieces, scattered around the globe. With the people who no longer grace this earth, with the people who fly away from me, with the people who I leave behind.

She Will Be Loved

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I miss her. I miss her so much. I think we all miss her.

So, I haven’t seen her in a while. I guess I will just have to live with all the memories that I have of her, and all that I knew about her. I would like to think that she did live a happy life even through all the tough times and the loss of her loved ones; that she had all that she wanted, and gave all that she could. She did have her vices, but then who doesn’t? But she gave, and gave, and gave.

In my opinion of her, I would say that she was a woman stuck in the middle of her generation and the next. Sure she didn’t know how to operate some of those wonderful, make-life-easy gadgets we love so much in the kitchen, but she was ‘hip’ enough to listen to music and sing along in that melodious voice though a walkman, and ‘hop’ enough to dress fashionably enough for me not to be embarrassed walking in the street with her.

She always stuck up for herself, and for her family – loved us all in her own way, spoiling us and guiding us in small ways. Guess mom gets that from her. She looked after all her children until the very end. Made sure that they were all doing well, and somehow settled. And us too, saw all of us at our prime, and the most important of us, doing well, setting a bright example to those that follow behind.

I don’t know what others would say about her, but I hope most of it is good. She was caring, and she always smiled. Always. I remember, she used to tell me every time I tried to get her to try something new – Old is GOLD. I always used to laugh at that. She was always telling me jokes, and about her friends. I always laughed at her friends – the meat man, the fish man, the bread man, the shop man. Guess she was always kind to them.

I’m a bit jealous that I didn’t get to spend much time with her, and that I used to dislike her when I was younger, because she would never let me be lazy over my holidays. She would always find work for me to do. I have to thank her for that now. I’m always on the run, and getting myself into things to benefit my future. I just can’t sit in one place for more than an hour I’d say. She always kept herself busy too.

What else is there to say? I’m a bit sad that I wasn’t there to tell her goodbye. Is it a coincidence that all her children managed to make it home in time to say their farewells? I definitely don’t think so. It’s tough being far away when a loved one has departed and you can’t go to pay your last respects. It’s even worse when you can’t be with your family, and be strong for them. I wish I could be there.

I hope she knows how much we all love her, and loved her, and how much we are going to miss her. We are still young. She is never going to be with us physically for any of our graduations, for any of our weddings, for the birth of any of our children, for any milestones. She will be with us in our heart. She won’t be forgotten. She has woven herself into our lives, slowly and steadily. Placed happy thoughts in our memories.

And that is how she will live on, through memories. In the things we see, in the things we do, in the people we are. At occasions, when we have all gathered, and someone brings her name up, and our mind wanders to thoughts of her which we have kept safe in corners of our heart bringing up mixed emotions. She will watch over us from above, she will continue guiding us in her way.

So all I want to say this time is let the people you love know that you love them. How much they mean to you, for though life may not always be short, sometimes the time we share with each other might be. Never leave with an angry feeling especially when you live far away. Always try to let them know that you care as often as possible, and cherish all the time you’ve spent together, good or bad.

Once loved ones have left this world, they will never come back again. And though it hurts at first, the pain will subside, and life will go on. She was loved, and she will continue being loved by her family, her friends, and all those lives she touched by just being who she is. She was wonderful, everything anyone would want from a grandmother, without overly spoiling you. May she rest in peace and God grant her paradise.

I miss her. I miss her so much. I think we all miss her.

No One Cared

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She sat at the bottom of the staircase, alone;
her face hollow, her eyes swollen with unborn tears,
waiting, ever so patiently to rush out like a raging river.
The anger within, surging beyond
her control, was ripping her
like a tiger and his prey.
No one saw her, no one cared.

Helpless, with no comforting shoulder,
the pain inside was so strong, so controlling,
killing her instead of making her stronger.
She was scared and invisible,
crying out to the world,
but not a soul heard her.
No one reached out, no one cared.

So tired, she let out her tears,
and they flooded the floor,
but the pain still remained
like a flame out of control.
Her anger lashed out
as she destroyed all in her path,
yet still,
No one bothered, no one cared.

So pained, she gave up hope,
and ever so slowly she faded away.
As they buried her in the valley
where the sun doesn’t rise,
no one came to say their last goodbyes.
And even after she was dead and gone
No one cared for the departed one.