Category Archives: Dedications

To the people I’ve loved and lost & to those I still love…

And it’s 2016…

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Dear loved ones,

It’s the dawn of a new year. And as every new year starts I’d like to reflect on the past year just a little bit.

2015 was overall a great year! It started off with friends I hadn’t seen in a long time and having them around gave my heart so much peace. It was the year where I started my first job and got my first salary. It was a year of many firsts in that aspect. I gave my first qurban, I lost my first baby (at work, not my own), I traveled with my own money, I sorted out my taxes, I used my amazon account, etc etc. Small but big victories none-the-less.

It was a year where friendships were strengthened. Where those who were there for me shined through my darkest days. It was a year where I got way too many birthday gifts. I’m not complaining. And I’ve now got a wall of cards.

A year of travel which will hopefully pass onto the new year. Big whoop for all of you who hosted me and who I hosted. Hope to see you again 😀

2015 was also a year I lost someone close to me. And being honest, it still very much feels like a huge hole in my life. It’s an ache that refuses to go away or be ignored. It has also been a year where I’ve appreciated my mother a lot for her support.

But it was a year of beautiful beautiful memories and daily inspiration in random places – so I say thank you to everyone for being with me this year. For the love, the friendship, the closeness, the wisdom and very much for believing in me when I lost sight of myself.

And I’ll leave you with these words I found this morning

Real love is neither kind nor gentle, and does not award itself to the cowardly or the meek. Love is beholden only to the brave and the bold. Those who are prepared to break bone and bleed for it, to go on fighting without reason or hope.

~Beau Taplin

Love, always
K

Fade Into Darkness

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When he asked I was scared, I knew I didn’t want anyone less in my life who wouldn’t go on to become my husband. But I had to try, I wouldn’t get a second chance, yet I didn’t want to either. I was so afraid. So I called someone for advice and he said that I had to try, that I’d never know until I did. I put my fear away and said yes. He was mine. I could officially call him mine. I was weary though, good things don’t happen to me so easily. The ecstasy of it overrode the negativity in my mind. I was so so happy, I had hope. He let me in to parts of his life, but he kept me out of the others. I didn’t want that, I wanted everything – the good, bad and the downright ugly. I hoped he’d come around, I had time I said to myself and time is what it’ll take. I didn’t push. I just sat there in my happy bubble. And happy was what I was. Happy arguing, happy smiling, happy laughing, happy living life. He made me feel safe. He pushed me to look beyond the pettiness, to grow to be the better person. I love him for the little things, because he wasn’t anything spectacularly large. He was an abundance of small victories rolled up together – every one of which he deserved, which he worked hard for. I believe in him and his greatness, his strive, his dreams. I could not have been blessed in my life with someone better than him. Then I lost him. I lost him to himself. I lost him to his need to protect me from himself than show me himself. I lost him before he even knew he was going. And I think that was the worst, knowing that someone is going before even they know – waiting quietly for them to realize they are already out the door. It broke my heart, yet I will always love him beyond myself, because he is worthy of it. He may not realize it, but I said I’d take this pain, this hurt, this heartache so that he wouldn’t have to, and I will – he is worth it. I just wasn’t lucky enough to have him for the time I had hoped. Luck was never on my side anyways. I miss him everyday; but in the days I had, I loved him like I was going to lose him. We could have been better than what we were, we were just two different people; cautious of different pain. He will always be the better part of me, I hope somewhere I’ll be the better part of him.

You’ll always be my favorite “what if”, but I’m sticking with “what is”. -Lang Leav

We lose people in our lives everyday. The age-old saying that time heals everything, is just words of comfort. Time doesn’t heal anything, the only thing that time does is blur the memories you are fighting to hold on to. Life goes on, you get up and force yourself to keep moving – that time and life wait for no one; soon enough it becomes habit. We are nothing but creatures of habit. But our minds, they don’t stay quiet, our minds are loud. They scream and wail, but our lips are quiet because we can’t change our loss, we can only bear them. We can only hope to silence our minds by distraction, that usually works on good days. No one really recovers from loss.

The only certainty in this life is death.

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Yes death, not just physical death – but death of life, death of friendship, death of love, death of happiness, death of joy, death of dreams, death of spirituality, death of humanity. How does one look past that? How does one recover?

Hot Chocolate

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No I’m not talking about the drink, I’m talking about people. The people in your lives that give you that feeling you get when you sip on hot chocolate – the smooth silkiness going down and suddenly the cold feeling your body has is replaced by this majestic feeling of warmth that you’ve been craving.

They are the ones that hold you up with a steady hand because they already know you are feeling weak and are ready to let go at any moment, but they know you have it in you to hold on a little longer with a bit of support. They aren’t the ones you talk to everyday, but they magically appear when you need them with bits of encouragement to keep going.

They can read your mind, they know exactly what your crossroads are without you having to tell them. It’s the sharing of burdens you didn’t want to acknowledge you had. It’s the beautiful surprise of honest understanding. It’s the comfort of pyjamas, long conversations on the same page and reinforcement you didn’t want to believe in.

The king of beverages. The diamond of friends.

~Misskayes & Duffy: hot chocolatiers always ❤

The patient (v.)

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Now while you are
battling your own demons,
I will be all the mercies you are to me,
for you!
Because in all your magnificence,
the best you have taught me is
the grace of
ٱلصَّـٰبِرِينَ

Why I wrote this:
My best friend is the most patient person I know and in Arabic it is pronounced As-Sabiroun. He is going through some personal things and just like he has shown patience when I was going through my personal battles, I shall adopt patience with him because of him.

#100HappyDays

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  1. Jan 1st: Mona, world record for fireworks, long distance phone call from my hobo brother.
  2. Jan 5th: Danced the night away with Alfie at Mizna & Adnan’s wedding.
  3. Jan 7th: M finally comes back home.
  4. Jan 11th: Met up with Konika after 3 years and chilled with Sunny over bbq chicken and paneer.
  5. Jan 13th: Gotta love HnM sales. Found the perfect pair of black booties.
  6. Jan 16th: Coco is flying with me…
  7. Jan 24th: Dubai Street Art Festival. Met Kyra and Ryan after a year. Had my first taste of Caribou Coffee.
  8. Jan 30th: Shawarmatime 😀
  9. Feb 1st: Re-learnt to parallel park in style. But I think I forgot again.
  10. Feb 8th: Raised 250dhs face painting for charity.
  11. Feb 14th: Exploring Keisha’s Abu Dhabi with Husni
  12. Feb 17th: Went looking for Royal Rose and as usual got lost and teased.
  13. Feb 22nd: OSUAE book sale – met Norah.
  14. Feb 24th: Qasr Al Hosn festival with mom, cute Emirati guys and horses.
  15. Feb 26th: Miz sent me amazing XYXX designs. Creative angel!
  16. Feb 28th: Dad turns 55 and I get to go to the Garden for friday brunch!
  17. Mar 1st: Open Mic Night at B-lounge. Fell in love with Physical Graffiti.
  18. Mar 8th: Launched XYXX
  19. Mar 12th: Catch up with pinky after almost 20 years.
  20. Mar 13th: PLAB1 goes smoothly. No funny surprises.
  21. Mar 17th: Beautiful full moon over looking Khalifa Park.
  22. Mar 18th: Cake in a car and a sunset of lovely colors.
  23. Mar 20th: Russo’s Pizzeria
  24. Mar 28th: A night of ballet with mom and Coppelia. With a man stuffing shawarma up his jacket sleeve.
  25. Apr 1st: MRUs got their internship letters.
  26. Apr 6th: SL won WC T20’s.
  27. Apr 8th: Passed PLAB1 after having to wait an extra hour because I forgot my password.
  28. Apr 10th: Loving HnM again for their awesomesauce nail polish colors.
  29. Apr 14th: Skyped with Zaynab for 5 hours.
  30. Apr 23rd: Found that perfect pair of jeans.
  31. Apr 27th: Sous-chef for mom’s successful office lunch party.
  32. Apr 29th: Met the cutest identical twins ever. So adorable.
  33. May 2nd: Rekindled my OOEHS friendships.
  34. May 5th: AD Book Fair spoils.
  35. May 10th: Cheesecake Factory with the boys and girls and stay over with Mona.
  36. May 11th: Meeting Sana after 14 years with baby Abdul-Haadi.
  37. May 16th: Found the quaintest pair of white shoes.
  38. May 17th: Duffy sent me his support through copy-paste emails.
  39. May 19th: American diner night: father-daughter dinner.
  40. May 23rd: Steak and all-day breakfast with my favorite kind of sausages. The end to father-daughter meals.
  41. May 25th: Mather came home and all the visa problems were sorted out. Duffy tells me to stop my pity party.
  42. May 27th: X-Men with Norah and MSU choir with mom and Kerie
  43. June 7th: Destination half-bday. Woo Philippines…
  44. June 12th: 52 smiles done! I got to watch 3.5 surgeries…
  45. June 22nd: Dad got me a Forever Friends bear. I love those. It’s the cutest.
  46. June 23rd: OpSmileUAE book sale spoils!
  47. June 24th: Jeff said he’d like to turn my poem into a song. Of course I said YES!
  48. June 25th: Shambam and Tina arrived in Abu Dhabi.
  49. June 28th: Finally went go-karting at Yas Kartzone
  50. June 30th: Started my travel fund
  51. July 5th: F21 sale – got myself those crop tops!
  52. July 8th: Turtle caramel mocha with my new favorite person
  53. July 11th: Shan puddingface is in town. Oh yaa.. ❤
  54. July 14th: Passionfruit cheesecake!
  55. July 15th: Iftar with a sweetheart
  56. July 18th: Grilled jumbo prawns. Need I say more?
  57. July 20th: Finally had laksa! Thank you for making me a smoking doll!
  58. July 24th: Amusing iftar and white berry mocha with the lady loves.
  59. July 27th: Ju’s mega bday celebration in lankaland.
  60. July 29th: Big fat Harim reunion Eid lunch with instapolaroids.
  61. July 30th: Picnicing at Badagiri with the Htota peeps.
  62. Aug 3rd: Our Great Gatsby themed party!
  63. Aug 4th: Tripping in Jaffna.
  64. Aug 5th: Riding with the army and Rio ice cream sundaes.
  65. Aug 6th: Lingan ice cream for breakfast. The good life.
  66. Aug 8th: Chilling at Waters Edge with Nizie and Zeno.
  67. Aug 9th: Playing dominoes with my babies at Majestic City.
  68. Aug 13th: Crashing the destination Indian wedding.
  69. Aug 14th: Meeting the quacker and my personally adopted brother. So much love!
  70. Aug 21st: Miss kayes filled Abu Dhabi with her presence. Had girlie day out with Wildfire sandwiches and dessert at Leopolds of London.
  71. Aug 28th: Red velvet day and Monu darling.. Got my visa!
  72. Aug 29th: Early morning road tripping, kayaking and lunching at P.F. Changs topped of with the great wall of chocolate with the prankster, the pokerface, the victim and miss kayes.
  73. Aug 30th: Passing through Godiva Chocolate Cafe!
  74. Sept 21st: Crispy fried donuts, quaint beach homes, busy amusement park and a happy town… Much awaited getaway
  75. Sept 25th: Got a new black pleather jacket at such a throwaway price. ByeBye brown one!
  76. Oct 2nd: Found an iPod in my new jacket. Such a steal…
  77. Oct 4th: Brother visited Liverpool. Had a true American pancake stack breakfast and real Italian lunch. Rainbow after the storm.
  78. Oct 8th: Finally made it to London. Glad to be out of Kirkby.
  79. Oct 10th: Tried Ethiopian food for the first time. Booyah! It’s actually good. Sampled a churro. Coming back for that.
  80. Oct 12th: Had lamb and halloumi wrap which was beyond superb.
  81. Oct 19th: Went on a walking spree to the flower market (so much pretty) and brick lane (so much drool worthy).
  82. Oct 21st: Lunch with the aunt of the year. Chilling with toddlers.
  83. Oct 22nd: Passed PLAB 2. Got my psychiatry/radiology research work sorted. Had cheese fondue!
  84. Oct 30th: Partied at boxpark with Hussam and Rajiv, pulling out all those 70’s moves.
  85. Oct 31st: Beat Rajiv in the laser race by almost 75 secs. Had an amazing time chilling with Kanishka!
  86. Nov 1st: Chilled with Manch and Cyn at home with brilliant food.
  87. Nov 9th: Meatball tangine at the UpMarket on Brick Lane and aimless roaming..
  88. Nov 11th: Zaynab drops a bomb finally and I’m out of my 2 day moping spree.
  89. Nov 18th: Figured out my life calling – and it’s radiology folks.
  90. Nov 25th: GOSH approved me to do a 2 week observership at their pediatric IR dept
  91. Nov 27th: Hit up Camden Town and it’s intense.
  92. Nov 30th: Skyped with Duffy for 2 hours and the sun came up because of him.
  93. Dec 7th: Midnight at the big red pizza bus, sunshine after the rain and tea at sprinkles with too much chocolate.
  94. Dec 9th: Late night chitchat, fire alarms, salmon for breakfast and The Snow Queen.
  95. Dec 13th: Donuts, go-karting, squids and a whole bowl of fun and jigsaw puzzles!
  96. Dec 17th: Giggling over the phone with M after a semi-lecture and reminding him it’s his birthday..
  97. Dec 25th: Walking almost 10km in London’s chilly breeze to come back home to a Christmas feast.
  98. Dec 26th: Semi birthday tapas and drinks at my new favorite place, Las Iguanas with Zaynab!
  99. Dec 28th: Got my green ring, after searching so hard. Gotta love brick lane.
  100. Dec 30th: Dark hot chocolate straight from the chocolate fountain, churros with white chocolate and cinnamon and the perfect ending – bumper cars, or bump not a car (which was a fail) with the lovely Manch and Cyn.
  101. Dec 31st: Walking from one end of Edinburgh to the other just falling in love with it while learning we created a new poet.

new year, new wishes

Sugar & Milk

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Uneasy feelings, knots that won’t undo.
A moment of fleeting angst,
breathing fire without a clue.

I need open fields filled with flowers.
Sun shine raining down,
peace please, exclude the lover!

Differences maybe plenty.
Music, talents, size and shape,
yet we love being twenty.

All tangled up in each other,
however, our mind to our own.
Day dreams fixated without thunder.

A mystical genius with her word,
wisdom beyond her age.
It’s her pen mightier than that sword.

Crazed shopaholic,
yet filled with crafty, traveling bones.
Her life can never be described as monochromic.

Tea without semi-skimmed milk or sugar,
at home with mom, please.
But she’s strong, and her tongue is a butcher.

I’m a mangled soul,
a verse for every moment in time.
Several oddly broken pieces of a whole.

Yet in open fields, in perfect weather,
it’s champagne bubbles and chocolate truffles,
it’s MP3 players and instagrammers,
all together.

 

Only Love Can Hurt Like This

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I’m not that kind of girl who stays in one place for too long. Wanderlust flows in my blood. I have no qualms about packing up and leaving people behind. I’m someone who still hasn’t found home – commonly described as a person or a place you always come back to. There are random moments that I miss the people in my life and wish they were there wherever I was to share a particular moment with me, but they aren’t too frequent and the thoughts often disappear as quickly as they come. Someone would say that’s selfish of me, however I’d like to just think that I’ve met a lot of people but never that one person who — to quote “understands the dustiest parts of my soul”.

I’m not that kind of girl who lets people in easily. I take my time, I test the waters, sometimes that could go on for years. There are people scattered all around the world who I get excited over to the point of not being able to sleep, planning up elaborate day trips, menus and occasionally jumping up and down the house. It’s still not the same as opening yourself up fully to people who won’t judge you, who will reply to your messages even after days, who don’t mind your stupid shit, who understand you when you don’t even understand yourself, who are direct, open and will tell you straight to your face to just “get over yourself.”

I’m not that kind of girl who is “prim and proper”. I’m awkward around new people. I’m always in for a road trip. I hate being in photographs. I love coffee shops and cake and music I can sing along to. I say what’s on my mind, most of the time, it’s not appropriate. I could break out into dance anywhere. I don’t like being fussed about. I like my personal space. I laugh too loud, and I don’t care. I don’t follow fashion magazines, I have my own style. I fall over my shoelaces. I bump into the walls and doors when I walk. I show people how much I love them through food. I do million subtle small things. The small things in life are the most beautiful. I’m just one of them.

I’m not that kind of girl who misses people when she moves around. I pick myself up and I move forward. I never look back. I’m my own adventure. And I was going to be okay about this move, like I have been about the past 15 moves. But you are down right killing me. I’m actually having doubts. There was nothing left for me here, I wasn’t up for making new friends, but somehow you just snaked your way into my heart and soul. My head goes “yes, you too? brilliant.” I love no judgment. I love the raised eyebrows. I love how you still don’t know whether to believe what I’m saying. I love the love of food. Most of all – I love the love of laughter, dramatics, and talk of the good ‘ol days.

I’m not that kind of girl who opens up her personal space that often. I don’t do so well with getting hugs as I do with giving them out. But for yours, I’m making an exception. Please remember to virtually send one of those “hugs so tight, you can’t breathe” when I’m in need.

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I tell myself I don’t care that much, But I feel like I die ’til I feel your touch.
Only love, only love can hurt like this, Must have been a deadly kiss.

~Paloma Faith, Only Love Can Hurt Like This

Them I-miss-you moments

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I come from a family that doesn’t like to see people cry. My brother and I often tease mother when she gets sentimental over things like good-byes, achievements and deaths. But now it seems that I’ve been too hard on her or that I’m following in her footsteps. I’m not a person who believes in tears; they are for the weak, the feminine, the manipulators. I was wrong. 

There’s a weight over my heart and a black cloud over my mind, there’s nothing I can do about it but feel it’s sorrow, pain and darkness. I cry.

For my grandmother whose love we haven’t felt in so long. The woman who isn’t here anymore to enjoy the frivolity of a family reunion holiday 10 years in the making. The lady who held the family together and taught us the true meaning of maintaining good family ties. I cry for her not being with us. I pray that her time in the grave is peaceful. I pray that her good deeds help her cross the Siraat safely into Jannah. I pray that her children, and we, her grandchildren are a source of sadaqah jariyah for her. Most of all, I pray she is with the people she loves, her husband, her siblings, her friends.

For the boy I love with all my heart, who I haven’t spoken to in 3 months that feels like years. For the heart ache that seems to only be mine. For the years of memories that seems to only haunt me. For the hope that doesn’t seem to want to die. The boy makes me think of Allah; of how much He loves us and how much, we, His blessings turn away from His love, just like the boy who turns away from mine. I cry for the sleepless nights, the restless mind and the painful heart. The memories that bring smiles and the light to my eyes. 

For my brother who lives so far away, who has his own life that’s not intertwined with mine. Who I wish I saw more often and laughed more often with. Who is now on the way back to his home, a home that’s not ours. I miss that boy and his big, loud mouth. I miss the happiness he brings home. I miss our childhood days when we were close and we were each others secret-keepers. 

Home is where the heart is, and for right now, for today my heart is broken into pieces, scattered around the globe. With the people who no longer grace this earth, with the people who fly away from me, with the people who I leave behind.