Them I-miss-you moments

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I come from a family that doesn’t like to see people cry. My brother and I often tease mother when she gets sentimental over things like good-byes, achievements and deaths. But now it seems that I’ve been too hard on her or that I’m following in her footsteps. I’m not a person who believes in tears; they are for the weak, the feminine, the manipulators. I was wrong. 

There’s a weight over my heart and a black cloud over my mind, there’s nothing I can do about it but feel it’s sorrow, pain and darkness. I cry.

For my grandmother whose love we haven’t felt in so long. The woman who isn’t here anymore to enjoy the frivolity of a family reunion holiday 10 years in the making. The lady who held the family together and taught us the true meaning of maintaining good family ties. I cry for her not being with us. I pray that her time in the grave is peaceful. I pray that her good deeds help her cross the Siraat safely into Jannah. I pray that her children, and we, her grandchildren are a source of sadaqah jariyah for her. Most of all, I pray she is with the people she loves, her husband, her siblings, her friends.

For the boy I love with all my heart, who I haven’t spoken to in 3 months that feels like years. For the heart ache that seems to only be mine. For the years of memories that seems to only haunt me. For the hope that doesn’t seem to want to die. The boy makes me think of Allah; of how much He loves us and how much, we, His blessings turn away from His love, just like the boy who turns away from mine. I cry for the sleepless nights, the restless mind and the painful heart. The memories that bring smiles and the light to my eyes. 

For my brother who lives so far away, who has his own life that’s not intertwined with mine. Who I wish I saw more often and laughed more often with. Who is now on the way back to his home, a home that’s not ours. I miss that boy and his big, loud mouth. I miss the happiness he brings home. I miss our childhood days when we were close and we were each others secret-keepers. 

Home is where the heart is, and for right now, for today my heart is broken into pieces, scattered around the globe. With the people who no longer grace this earth, with the people who fly away from me, with the people who I leave behind.

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